a moment to remember

My heart felt heavy.  I miss everyone that matters.  Although life is going as smooth as it should be.  I want my old life back which I know is impossible.  Most days are Ok, some I just have to pick myself up and move forward. 

 

I keep thinking how my parents would be so proud of me and my 'lil sis.  I long to have her home cooked meals that I always took for granted and her scolding on how to better myself.  I cant even begin how to describe daddy's silent strong presence.  Mostly I miss kaklong and her outlook on life.  At 42 years old you would think I should have a grip already.  But a sound, a smell, a face that I come across will take me back to old times, good times.  Even the bad times seems far better now.

 

Momentary lapses is so hurtful I feel that I cant go on.  In times like this I long for familiarity.  Wish and wished I could only have a fleeting conversation with all 3 of them.  Most of all i'm tired of always having to be conscious to block these feelings so that I could function on a daily basis. 

 

I am grateful and appreciate the blessings that im enjoying but Im so tired of appearing happy all the time when there are so many around me are so needful.  GOD help me please........

dusting off the cobwebs

I've almost forgotten that I have a blog.  Last updated in 2013.  I recall that I must have been devastated when Daddy passed on that year and recently Kaklong too.  Life seems bearable a little now that i'm moving on and work is piling up like crazy.

 

A lot has happened.  Good ones, eye-opener ones. Aha-ones. best of all, acceptance of everything that happened.  Perhaps one day will write about the tumultuous 3months about Kaklong but will keep that for later.  Don't want to spoil my day :)

 

I will try to write more and pen my own thoughts for my own enjoyment.

 

Life's worth living....at least for the moment.

 

salams,

zita

Mine

There's an old proverb that says you cant choose your family.  You take what the fates hand you.  And like them or not, love them or not, understand them or not....you cope.  Then there's a new school of thought that says the family you're born into is simply a starting point.  They take care of you until you're ready to greet the world.

Whichever and how you turn out to be life is all about choices.  In the family matters.

I love mine and cant bear the thought of living without them.  After mom and dad passed on its been empty and my sisters are all that i have now.  Having said that mine is just like a sundae....mostly sweet with a few 'nuts' thrown in :)

Timing is Everything

If its time, nothing in the world is going to stop it.  If its not, obstacles are everywhere you turn.  Terima takdir seadanya.  InshaAllah........when the time is right and its meant to be only then it will be.

Imran Ajmain - Dikalung Kasihan

"Jika tidak pernah berpatah hati kita tidak akan tahu menghargai kasih sejati"

Bunga Tanjung Bunga Melati

Kembang 7 di Bulan Terang

Tinggi Gunung Sama diDaki

Dikala Jatuh Mengapa Seorang

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4CWWRmavZ0
Tiada suara penantian tak bersudah
Sesalanku pun bermula
Sepadannya usia

Tiada cara membiaskanmu cahaya
Puisi tak berlagu
Beza dia ketara tanpamu

Menitis air mata
Dikalung kasihan padamu
Berbisik dengan hati
Apa erti cintaku

Memilih kata-kata
Berselindungkan yang ternyata
Lelah ku pun terbela
Terlerai kepedihan
Lama.....

Tiada rasa terkilan terbatas asa
Detik pun kian berlalu
Ku tahu luka itu perlu

Menitis air mata
Dikalung kasihan padamu
Berbisik dengan hati
Apa erti cintaku
Memilih kata-kata
Berselindungkan yang ternyata
Lelah ku pun terbela
Terlerai kepedihan
Lama.....Ku bertahan ku bersabar
Menyimpan rahsia yang sebenar
Percuma saja berkorban

Menitis air mata
Dikalung kasihan padamu
Berbisik dengan hati
Apa erti cintaku

Memilih kata-kata
Berselindungkan yang ternyata
Lelah ku pun terbela
Terlerai kepedihan
Lama
Lelah ku pun terbela
Terlerai pedih lama

Farewell 2012

A year filled with colourful events, turbulence, ups and downs with an ending on personal grounds and realization to move forward.  Alhamdulillah - thank you Allah for all that you've given me and the strength bestowed upon me.  May 2013 be better and hopeful of all that life could offer.

Time yet again to move on from another friend.......

Yesterday was bittersweet.  Wedding of the year was finally over!  All the hardwork paid off and received the recognition that was given.  It was surprising and pleasantly accepted.  Not that it matter to anyone else but it made a whole lot of difference to me personally. 

Despite all that,  two things still bothered me.  The fakeness around me and the ignorance of one particular person.  I wasnt sure if i needed the 'inclusivity' or just plain help and being there for me.  Indirectly expectations took over and again i wonder if  he would treat me any different in public.  Being around in the same circle shouldnt complicate matters but i guess i was wrong on so many levels.  Again, perhaps my judgement was way off.  I've covered the part of being embarrased around me, i've also covered the stigma of spending too much time with me.  Why then does it sucks to be ignored despite all the other attention that i received last night?  Why does it feel like something's missing?  Why should it matter so much that i didnt get a glimpse of time nor farewell when the whole thing finishes?  I have no clue right now.........

I suppose everything stays the same, until the moment that it changes.  This causes me to develop a distorted idea about the pace at which life evolves. I think certain situations will never alter. I look around and see clear signs of permanence. Yet in the blink of an eye, it can all be so very different. It's just that the eye in question may blink a thousand times - or a million times, before that occurs. Or it could happen in the very next blink.

I'm ready to let it go and let the next phase of this 'friendship' flow.  No more expectations, no more special attention, no more hurt will come unto me when something goes wrong.  From this moment on, lets just be like any other friends.  When time and care permits we put in the effort but when it clashes, i could just say NO and be OK with it.  Lets see how this goes,

Rested-I-P - Noormi

29th November will be yet again another memorable memory etched forever in my brain.  After more than 11years and counting i was finally able to be there again.  Its bittersweet but made heavenly possible by another one of your close buddy.  Ultimately he has become one of mine too.

So here goes my 'letter' to you - Noormi.  I know you wont know this and in fact some of my blogs are meant for me to re-read them at a later date. Until today no one has come close to what you have been to me.  You understood me perfectly and was always there to cheer me up with your "weird but seem logical to me' reasoning.  I miss you dearly and so much. 

Throughout the journey and prior to that, i was eager to reach the destination but all the feelings dissipates the moment i touched the ground and we planted 3 plants that he brought along for you.  I felt happy and i spoke to you.  It was a release of long-long friends, it was hot and the weather was good.  The environment was soothing.  I was indeed - HAPPY.  It surprised me.

I admit, there are times my prayers for you stopped and i didnt think about you for sometime.  And with recent development that happened with this buddy of ours, im not sure if i could go through it again but if i'm this happy to meet you back after 11 years has passed, I think I'll be ok if God were to take any of us away from each other to a better place.  You've prepared me without me realizing it, i think. 

There are not many people that i love throughout my time, but i love you so much.  I'll make it a point and try not to forget you although now i get panicked when i cant recall how you look like and the time special times we had.  Somehow it doesnt matter that much anymore.  I wouldnt call this a 'closure' but more of how i can confidently and surely move forward with strength to 'pay-it-forward' to others the way you had given me your love, understanding, time and above all support the best you could.

Al-Fathihah...