As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been chubby….growing proportionately to fat and tipped the scale over 100kg by adulthood. I consciously did this to myself over a period of time. Guilty as charged and if I’m really honest with myself I know why I did it……(it goes back as young as when I’m 4-5 years old)
Coming back to reality, life hasn’t been rosy.
For earlier part of my life, I watched it unfolds in misery and I keep beating myself over it. I keep blaming everyone and everything around me, the unfairness and unjust and simply being a sore. My confidence and self-esteem is close to non-existent and by the time I start work, it suffered even more without any qualification.
Living in denial, I bulldozed through; keeping busy, being indispensable to all those around me. Feeling needed by others gives me a certain high. It accomplished a niche’ and satisfy the grueling contentment of being wanted. I seek acceptance through the worst possible way.
Over the years, I’ve managed to gain confidence, miraculously if I may add; despite being a loner and always shutting others who got too close for comfort.
A late bloomer for obvious reasons, I go through series of rejections and in the process of finding myself amidst the confusion, I made some unwise decisions. Again, I fall back on the same old circle of feeling worthless. I wonder why when I’m having the time of my life, the axe will surely come down and uncertainty clouds the moment. Not that I’ve had a sure footing in it but somehow its always like thunderstorm……that’s how I can describe my relationships.
Recently, I find myself at a crossroad in my life. Personally and physically, I’m a mess of a human being. I took a good look of my soul. I was caught in a moment………I feel I’m waiting on the edge but I’m not quite sure of what. I know I’m spiraling out of control, pass the state of mind. I let myself slip for far too long.
Perversely, I didn’t hate myself. However, if I don’t love myself, who in their right mind would?
Fast forward to present time, a change in mindset sets me off to a whole new direction. No more shadows, no more self-doubt, no more blames, no more guilty trips, no more feeling sorry for my pathetic self.
Step by step, I’m losing it bit by bit, slowly but surely. Its an upscale battle and an on-going process. I understand now losing weight is not just about waiting for the numbers to drop and feeling scared of not being wanted or accepted. It’s a change of lifestyle. Its about losing inhibitions. Its all about gaining confidence and loving & having faith in yourself.
Coming back to reality, life hasn’t been rosy.
For earlier part of my life, I watched it unfolds in misery and I keep beating myself over it. I keep blaming everyone and everything around me, the unfairness and unjust and simply being a sore. My confidence and self-esteem is close to non-existent and by the time I start work, it suffered even more without any qualification.
Living in denial, I bulldozed through; keeping busy, being indispensable to all those around me. Feeling needed by others gives me a certain high. It accomplished a niche’ and satisfy the grueling contentment of being wanted. I seek acceptance through the worst possible way.
Over the years, I’ve managed to gain confidence, miraculously if I may add; despite being a loner and always shutting others who got too close for comfort.
A late bloomer for obvious reasons, I go through series of rejections and in the process of finding myself amidst the confusion, I made some unwise decisions. Again, I fall back on the same old circle of feeling worthless. I wonder why when I’m having the time of my life, the axe will surely come down and uncertainty clouds the moment. Not that I’ve had a sure footing in it but somehow its always like thunderstorm……that’s how I can describe my relationships.
Recently, I find myself at a crossroad in my life. Personally and physically, I’m a mess of a human being. I took a good look of my soul. I was caught in a moment………I feel I’m waiting on the edge but I’m not quite sure of what. I know I’m spiraling out of control, pass the state of mind. I let myself slip for far too long.
Perversely, I didn’t hate myself. However, if I don’t love myself, who in their right mind would?
Fast forward to present time, a change in mindset sets me off to a whole new direction. No more shadows, no more self-doubt, no more blames, no more guilty trips, no more feeling sorry for my pathetic self.
Step by step, I’m losing it bit by bit, slowly but surely. Its an upscale battle and an on-going process. I understand now losing weight is not just about waiting for the numbers to drop and feeling scared of not being wanted or accepted. It’s a change of lifestyle. Its about losing inhibitions. Its all about gaining confidence and loving & having faith in yourself.
Life isnt a bed of roses as yet but fat or thin, I matter.
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