Melancholy swept over me in a rush and the old repressed feelings of loss pushed upwards and tear pooled in my eyes and dropped slowly down my barren face......I havent thought of you for so long. I havent cried for so long.
Each time I pressed the replay button, memories of us came back like it was just yesterday. We were laughing, we were eating, we were out at work, we were hanging out, we were at the hospital....................I was standing there alone at your grave.
It used to anger me ................. Now, I just wish I could recall back your face and have at least one more minute to talk to you and be in your presence. I want to tell you about Lyn, EL, Leo, Bad, Ezam, Zizie, Anita. I want to hear you say everything will work out OK.
Sometimes the pain is so real, I just dont know what to grasp to ease it.
Sometimes I just want to be told that I will find someone who could fill your gap.
I am surrounded by so many others but at times I feel so alone that sometimes I feel as if I can feel you looking over me and rasa hati so tipis. I just miss you so much. I keep looking over my shoulder and wishing I can get a glimpse of you somewhere, anywhere. I'm totally lost without you. Rasa perit sesangat. ............No one could fill your shoes, until today.
I drop down on my knees, sobbing uncontrollaby, asking, praying for just one more glance in your presence...........I just want you back even for one minute.
Ya Allah........I just cant stop playing the song. God help me.
I do love you so, Noormi.
3 comments:
I wept when I read this. I did not realise my eyes got all watery and tears rolled down my cheeks.
It was only yesterday the image of Noormi came to my mind when I was describing how she told me stody of how Shazz used orange juice to make pancakes! It was when she visited me in UK from US.
She never failed to make me smile. I remember taking the piss out of her, after she was done with 1st phase of chemo and came to Parkview to pick me up to go to One Utama. I could remember the tudung she wore that day - it was polka dots, black and white... it was her early days with tudung... that is so clear in my head... that very day, the tudung, the red satria, the way she took off her shoes to start driving... i made fun of her... I was so glad to see her back on track again...
I know. I can never get enough of her company. Now looking back... and now, she is not around. All my prayers for her. I know, it is huge loss. I could still remember, that night were at Subang Medical Center, to be with her in those last few minutes, the battle of us to say the final good bye to a very fine friend, a rare individual that managed to make me smile...
I could remember still, the way she sat on my bed in Bristol, the night we were supposed to go to Xmas ball, that very night that were were bored dancing and grabbed the mic and sang away and we left the karaoke place since our melodious singing had attracted many more to ruin our night. That was fun - we had brilliant time. She just arrived in UK that day really. She chose to stay with me, that was fun. She just broke up with her ex earlier that year or something.
I was in Durham recently, I passed that place. It reminded me of Noormi. She told me stories of visiting Leong in Durham. I must not share the story here, but it was hillarious. Noormi could make me laugh easily.
Oh how can I forget, he asked me to come around to SJMC, when she talked about he chemo. That was after my tennis games. I was there in shorts. You can never imagine how privileged I felt, she said - I dont want other people to see me like this (she was referring to her chemo). I was there till late. She talked bout Dr could not find veins anymore, she was suffering. I had to be strong for her. She talked about how she was not going to be able to have babies for the medicine/drugs were so strong and Dr was not sure how that will turn out given that she got married and have babies. We talked. As much as I was so sad to listen to her stories, I was there listening, praying she'd be strong to stick around and still to be one of my closest and meaningful friends.
As I am writing this, I am sobbing away. I never forget about her. Never. Yes we have moved on but, the memories with her will be here to stay. Yes we have lost a very dear friend, but after the loss, we became such a close friend that we never thought of before.
I guess we won't forget there is always Noormi in this friendship we have now. There's always three of us.
We miss you Noormi! All my prayers for you my dear friend.
After reading your comment, it took me a full hour again to write. Everythg you wrote here was like a tape being played because she did tell me all her stories with you even b4 I know you.
If its hard for you, imagine how I went through 2-years at our home and later hospital.
One thing I'm glad is that through her I met you and I wouldn't have changed anything abt the 3 of us.
Tak reti reti nak letak lagu tu kat website ni? Hehehe...
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