Confused.............Mind and Soul

Loneliness plays a dirty trick on the mind that leads to unforgiveful actions. These actions sadly calls for accountability. On the other hand, ego and pride feed superficial needs. Having said that there's an unexplainable satisfaction, greed and lust entertwined.

So does that make me a bitch? Ruled by no one's paradigm, own carefree rules or should I say lack of them? 18th October mark another milestone by which will forever etch itself in my brain and so much more.

I dont want to be a bad person. Lately, I want a lot of things that I made myself restraint from it so much that when it broke loose, my inhibitians shot out the window. I took whatever came my way without any care where it will lead to. I dont want to think too much into anything that was thrown in my path. I went beyond all of my own rules and perhaps when I call it a 'rule' is when I feel I should take all means to ruin it even though I'm not sure whether its good or not for me.

I thought my head would explode from everythg that I had to endure. I have to be honest; even if its just to myself. I'm just tired. Tired of thinking too much, tired of worrying, tired of 'what if(s)', tired of letting others walk all over me and mostly tired of putting others' interests before mine.

I just want to feel the tiniest bit of happiness if there is such a thing even for a molecule of a second. I just want to be pampered, I just want to feel, I just want it all without having to reason with anyone and explaining myself and justifying why and what and when and how and IF.

ME...........it should all be about me and for once I want to be selfish about it.

Lagi Tentang Lagu

I' m not sure why nowadays I tend to hear more songs and just so happen all these songs seems to be reaching out to me and what I'm feeling. I heard the song "Change by Sugarbabes". Snippets .............

Ain't it funny how you think you're gonna be OK till you remember things ain't never gonna be the same again.....Ain't it crazy how you think you've got your whole life planned just to find that it was never ever in your hand.

Change.....You don't see it coming..............Change....When the future comes knocking....It changed.................It can make you or break you too and you'd just have to make it through.

How apt the wordings and how timely.

Waiting in Vain

Kelip-kelip ku sangka api Kalau api mana puntung nya Hilang ghaib ku sangka Mati Kalau mati mana kubur nya Such a significant rhyme that caught my attention in the beginning of this beautiful and sad song called 'Seribu Tahun'. I've loved this song ever since I heard Leo sang it couple of months back but I've never heard the beginning of it. Personally, I dont have the patience nor the will to do what the singer is crooning in the name of love. As much as I wish I could feel the type of love he's experiencing till he's faithfully willing to wait a thousand years and more for the one he treasures, I think if the same were to be bestowed upon me I wouldn't know how to embrace it. I talk and analyze the matter to death and I've been wanting it for so many years that I've been skeptical and in some ways sabotaging the one and only thing that's the essence and core of my being. So I take the strength and the persistence of this song to enable me to believe in love again.

EID-UL MUBARAK

1st October, Malaysian muslims celebrated Eid. The whole day has been bittersweet for me. The uplifting and memorable occasion is when my younger sister came home on Eid morning and the 5 of us sat down for our family meal soon after. Daddy was at home for a short while before we took him back to the hospital for his further treatment. The next couple of days, the cycle seem inevitable to be around the house and the hospital with visitors that came to and from the house in a steady stream. It was tiring, exhausting and chaotic to say the least. Its coming to the 4th of October as I'm writing this and I have yet to have a proper decent sleep thinking and hoping for a better day tomorrow.