Farewell 2012

A year filled with colourful events, turbulence, ups and downs with an ending on personal grounds and realization to move forward.  Alhamdulillah - thank you Allah for all that you've given me and the strength bestowed upon me.  May 2013 be better and hopeful of all that life could offer.

Time yet again to move on from another friend.......

Yesterday was bittersweet.  Wedding of the year was finally over!  All the hardwork paid off and received the recognition that was given.  It was surprising and pleasantly accepted.  Not that it matter to anyone else but it made a whole lot of difference to me personally. 

Despite all that,  two things still bothered me.  The fakeness around me and the ignorance of one particular person.  I wasnt sure if i needed the 'inclusivity' or just plain help and being there for me.  Indirectly expectations took over and again i wonder if  he would treat me any different in public.  Being around in the same circle shouldnt complicate matters but i guess i was wrong on so many levels.  Again, perhaps my judgement was way off.  I've covered the part of being embarrased around me, i've also covered the stigma of spending too much time with me.  Why then does it sucks to be ignored despite all the other attention that i received last night?  Why does it feel like something's missing?  Why should it matter so much that i didnt get a glimpse of time nor farewell when the whole thing finishes?  I have no clue right now.........

I suppose everything stays the same, until the moment that it changes.  This causes me to develop a distorted idea about the pace at which life evolves. I think certain situations will never alter. I look around and see clear signs of permanence. Yet in the blink of an eye, it can all be so very different. It's just that the eye in question may blink a thousand times - or a million times, before that occurs. Or it could happen in the very next blink.

I'm ready to let it go and let the next phase of this 'friendship' flow.  No more expectations, no more special attention, no more hurt will come unto me when something goes wrong.  From this moment on, lets just be like any other friends.  When time and care permits we put in the effort but when it clashes, i could just say NO and be OK with it.  Lets see how this goes,

Rested-I-P - Noormi

29th November will be yet again another memorable memory etched forever in my brain.  After more than 11years and counting i was finally able to be there again.  Its bittersweet but made heavenly possible by another one of your close buddy.  Ultimately he has become one of mine too.

So here goes my 'letter' to you - Noormi.  I know you wont know this and in fact some of my blogs are meant for me to re-read them at a later date. Until today no one has come close to what you have been to me.  You understood me perfectly and was always there to cheer me up with your "weird but seem logical to me' reasoning.  I miss you dearly and so much. 

Throughout the journey and prior to that, i was eager to reach the destination but all the feelings dissipates the moment i touched the ground and we planted 3 plants that he brought along for you.  I felt happy and i spoke to you.  It was a release of long-long friends, it was hot and the weather was good.  The environment was soothing.  I was indeed - HAPPY.  It surprised me.

I admit, there are times my prayers for you stopped and i didnt think about you for sometime.  And with recent development that happened with this buddy of ours, im not sure if i could go through it again but if i'm this happy to meet you back after 11 years has passed, I think I'll be ok if God were to take any of us away from each other to a better place.  You've prepared me without me realizing it, i think. 

There are not many people that i love throughout my time, but i love you so much.  I'll make it a point and try not to forget you although now i get panicked when i cant recall how you look like and the time special times we had.  Somehow it doesnt matter that much anymore.  I wouldnt call this a 'closure' but more of how i can confidently and surely move forward with strength to 'pay-it-forward' to others the way you had given me your love, understanding, time and above all support the best you could.

Al-Fathihah...

Most Difficult Moments in Life

Giving someone a hug when you need it the most;

Fighting back the tears in your eyes to wipe off someone else's  tears;

Listening to sombody's grief when you want your misery to be heard;

Being the reason for someone's smile when your own smile is lost.

zita

Accepting the inevitable

I'm at a good place right now, things are going upwards.  Minor hiccups doesnt bother me as much.  Being close to friends, helping them and living in the moment.  If they stay good for me, if they move on, i'll be alright as well.  I am trying not to fret the little things that used to give me anxiety attacks.  Reason is simple, i want to be able to enjoy my life and my space too while being around for others.  My existence matter too and i enjoy sharing them; good or bad; while i'm going around this thing called 'LIFE'.

Have a great day :)

Being Humble

Its always good to remember nothing lasts forever.  Its also good to remember that while you're ahead stay strong but remember those less fortunate.  No one knows what the others around us is going through that day.  Take for example what one person had to face for the day.  We wont know what happened, the challenges, the worry and maybe even the limited resources one has.  I always had to keep in mind, give first ask  later as much as i can, hold the anger and keep a tight lid on the sarcasm unless its necessary :).  Do to others as what you would want to be done unto you.  We wont know how, when, how much the effect will be but be the person who's always mindful of others even as we are facing our own predicament.  Well....at least it makes me sleep better at night. 

Hugs ooooo

Why are hugs important?  To me personally, its warmth shown and received without having to say a word nor does it need any explanation.  That everything will be alright or I'm here for you and I emphatize.  Sharing it at least makes whatever we're going through more bearable.  Most importantly the strengthening of connection of two close individual.  Give a hug today :)

I miss you, love

I woke up this morning, fresh. So fresh and i remembered i slept for more than 8hours and it was the kind of deep rest that makes you got up centered.  As i was having breakfast an hour later i could recall back the 'dream' i had......

I was at home, doing chores and i was talking with an animated and smiley face and i actually looked happy.  Not a put-up face i normally have on nowadays.  And in this 'dream'  i only see myself, its as if in the box/tv that i'm watching the camera was focused solely on me and the things i was doing and the things i was saying.  I keep thinking that whomever i was talking to must be someone i adored and loves listening to my rambling or else i would not have this enchanted look i have on.  It finally looked as if im having a good time doing chores of all things and most importantly i look contented.  Now there's a word i havent used in such a long time.  And the longer i watched this 'dream' unfold in the back of my head, it dawned on me that this is something i've done before - putting around the house, talking, laughing, jesting, and fussing over someone - thousands of times....where was it? who is it for? why am i so happy?

Then the camera swoops around and slowly the scene unfold in front of me. IT WAS ME AND YOU, and the times we spent years ago.   I was happy, so happy that even playing house seems enough then.  All that mattered was being around you, spending time with you and hearing your dry remarks of all the nonsence i went through and relaying the stuff i went throughout the day and how you relish everything i said and everything i did seem funny and exciting to you.  IT WAS ME AND YOU doing everyday things together and sharing it.  IT WAS ME AND YOU spending precious time and that was enough.

I miss you and i have been missing you.  So many incidents happened since then and i keep missing you.  But so many others around me needed me and i didnt have time to stop and think.  I had to put up a front and looked ok and as if life is good and i'm on top of the world.  When in fact, i'm a mess.  I cant show this to anyone much less reach out to anyone as you've been my rock all these while.  You're the only one who knows what i mean even when i'm not saying it.  Be it pride, embarrassment or even an out right lie.

Empty spaces filled me up with hope.  I tried to go on like i never knew you.  I am awake but my world is half asleep.  I prayed for this heart to be unbroken. Sometimes I wonder if we made a big mistake.  Without you i feel incomplete.

I wish a l ot of things, i wish things didnt pan out the way it did.  I wish we could have the happy ending like so many others.  For now all i could do is to go on and have faith.

I just miss you.........

Reminiscing...

The Holy Grail of all negotiators is a 'win/win' outcome - one that works for both parties. What neither of us ever wants is to feel that we are in a 'no win' situation. If I feel that I am going to lose out, no matter what I agree to, or if you feel the same way about the options I am presenting, our mutual respect is going to diminish. Thankfully, I dont want to put you in a hopeless position either. There may be no perfect way to resolve this challenge now but lets come to a compromise.

Thanks for calling and caring :)

Truth or Dare?

The only reason i'm posting this is to remind myself how choices made a huge impact and my own guiding principles in life.......

Ray :  Hey, how are you today?
Me :  Errrr....i'm alright.  Yourself?
Ray :  I'm having back-pain, so I asked the doctor - will sex help?  (grinning and looks like he wants to talk further)
Me :  Mmmmm... i guess depends on the position?(very uncomfortable now)
Ray :  Hheheheeheeh, enough about me.  I wanted to talk to you about him.  So.....have you spoken to him lately?
Me :  Yeah.  What about him?
Ray :  You know, i'm worried abt him.  For years and years I've always wondered why he seems to always be looking, searching, restless, I dont know why he's so unhappy.  You know, we as friends - and mind you its been ages!  We dont judge, we would accept him as he is, you know?
Me :  No, i dont think i know what you're getting at.
Ray :  (Looking flustered with my steady gaze keeps bumbling around now for god knows what - i could only assume the right words)
Me : Say it Ray
Ray :  Uh....u know, errr...well.....u know....i mean u know.....
Me :  Say it
Ray :  ummmm....i mean well since...u know....emmm........
Me :  Say it!
Ray :  Is he u know?  I mean xxx? We are OK u know.
Me :  (Smiling and in a calm voice)  I have two questions for you Ray.  How would you like it if I asked point blank about you and PM?  And since you guys have been friends for years and mind you, YOU DONT JUDGE; why is it important for you to know anyway? 
Ray :  (Red-faced, jumping out of chair in a commanding voice)  Well, you know we have his best interests at heart.
Me :  Who are 'we' here? You're his friend as you so vehemently admits.  Why dont you reach out to him then?  Why are you asking me?
Ray :  (Storm out)
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For two hours i balled my eyes out twisting and turning and for almost two days had a huge migraine.  I dont know why it hurts to think that someone of that stature could bully me and get away with it.  I am the last person Ray should barrage with personal questions that doesnt fit.   I am sad and I hope with all my might I didnt have to go through it again.  I know I'll be seeing him often and it pains me. 

How could you not know these are the people you keep company with?  How could you stand them?  How on earth are they still important to you? 

All these years, my gut feel is right.  I wish you'd understand :(

A beacon of light........

Why bother? What's the point? Isn't life just one long round of dismal disappointments interspersed with irritating interactions?

I do my best, yet it doesn't seem to be good enough! But that's not really the whole story. There is another factor. I am alive. Every single moment of my existence is a precious gift. Beneath all the madness, there is the most amazing magic. The moment I stop to appreciate that, everything feels far better. Today, I feel and remembered how blessed I am to have you around.

Ya Allah, thank you for giving me a chance to breathe and live life :)

One day at a Time

I always wonder why some people argue that we humans, are hard-wired to resist change. We like to stick with what we know, even if we know that what we know isn't really worth knowing. A sense of familiarity brings comfort, yet still we find ourselves attracted to goods, services and ideas which are presented to us as 'new'. We generally like them better, though, if they turn out to be only a little bit new and not dramatically different. If you are now taking small steps towards some much-needed improvement, don't fear this change. 

Think back to a time in your life when you were very worried about a matter that eventually turned out well. If you could now send yourself a message back in time, what would it say? How would you try to communicate some reassurance? As for now, look ahead. Suppose that you are living in the future, some months or years from now. Things have worked out well. Your current cause for concern is clearly not as serious as you fear. What would you want to tell yourself? Listen out carefully for that news.

Dear LEO

I needed to talk to you but know its not the time and not too strong to face you.  So here goes.......
___________________________________________________________________________
Where is yesterday?  Behind you or ahead of you?  The answer largely depends on the direction in which you happen to be looking.  If you cant stop thinking about the past, you can hardly be expected to see a clear route from here to the future.  And if your history is now towering over you like some great hill in the distance, it may be casting a shadow over the world that lies before you, making it all seem unnecessarily bleak.  Find a way to reduce the height of that hill and the shadow will soon recede.

Dear,
Wish strongly, imagine wildly  and believe.  That in itself will kick-start you into self healing.  Its all in you whether you realize it or not.  The power of your thoughts, feelings and emotions is there....unleash it, body heart and soul.

Dear,
Personally my wish is for you to keep your sanity and love with all your might  for its a start to a beautiful and wonderful next phase of your life.

LOVE,
xoxoxo

The day the illusion shatters

At first it was such a disbelief, then comprehending it, lastly acceptance. As always i get too caught up and the maternal instinct came out. Just when i thought i couldnt take one more bad news i come to a realization wherever i'm needed there's where i feel worth. I know this will also pass and it will be ok, i just know it and i pray to GOD i will not lose him. As i drifted off to sleep last night, the last dejavu came pouring in of the three of us; always talking and laughing. Noormi, i miss you always.

I hate the word 'JUST FRIENDs'

The truth hurts especially when you start being yourself around the people you love. Yes, thats the exact emotion i'm feeling now or else it would not have hurt so much. I dont want to be over-sensitive because its tiring and childish. I pride myself on being practical about stuff but I dont know why this time the mis-understanding digs deeper.....is it because I always fear of not being good enough? Or is it because i think i tried hard to please all the time only to realize that it falls short? Is that why i look for validation at every single turn?

Its an emotional roller coaster that i wish no one has to go through. Close a chapter? move on as if nothing happens? God knows i've made the same mistake myself so why am i spoiling for a fight?

Because it maters..........It matters so much, you matter and so am I.

Now if only my head could listen :(

A slap in the Face

Saying you're busy is no longer a good excuse. Overexhaustive usage will end up just like what i went through just now. Sitting and eating alone. That seems llike a good tagline for the story of my life, sigh......take heed or it will consume. For a moment when you do have the time and wants human companion for a change, you turn around and poof........... everyone's gone :(

Suckers :)

Time and again we as humans demands attention from our partners/friends/colleagues/etc. (yes even at this age). But mostly its done subtly with little hints here and there. How we go about getting it is very subjective. Mostly we are conscious of it because we do plan how the whole ending will pan-out. Obviously to our advantage but sometimes we reach for the stars and hope for the best.

The drama starts when things go wrong or didnt even start rolling at all! What do we do then? Succumb to tantrics, sulk and even put up the 'silent treatment' Beware............... this is sometimes a sure bet to get the so-needed attention right?

Wrong (well at least in my opinion). Its kinda sad when u have all that you want but have to beg for the things that you need. Talk, tell, yell..........communicate. Thats the only thing that works because you may end up sitting in frustrations and waiting for something that will never come because the other party couldnt read minds nor would they have the time to pamper your nonsence.

So guys - if you need something done right, holler...............signing off, zita :)

A very solemn week indeed

I was minding my own business when a call came in and trigerred what was supposed to be another normal week into a melancholy one. Who will i be spending Valentine's with? In truth, no one. Why was i reminded? Probably the same reason why i wouldnt be celebrating it. I have nothing against it and feel that its a wonderful thing to do with your partner. And nothing wrong with showing your appreciation a little bit more than the normal everyday stuff that we get caught up in. Its a good reminder of we should stop-show-receive-celebrate. Happy Val's guys, signing off, zita.

Why do We Nag Too Much?

The number one reason why women nag too much is hypothetically also the reason why women has a lower risk in numbers for heart attack. Of course, this is presumptious to some ;).......but then again if there is a let-out from our dysfunctional system, why not right? Coming from the mouth of a babe, some beg to differ i'm sure. Whats the worse that can happen? Men turning deaf ears? That happens anyway, LOL. Having said that - women should always remember there are consequences and repurcussions to anything we decide to do. To each their own choice,

Brand New Year, Same 'Ol Stuff

I'm restless and feeling lonely. I'm at the top of my game and still felt loss. I'm still unsure of how to pin to any particular reason. One things for sure, i cant stand being alone without my routine and still need to learn how to be comfortable being by myself. How? I've been toying with fresh new start but just scared stiff of knowing the unknown. I hate it and am still unsure of how to move forward. I would like the routine that i've known but snatched away from me in a blink. May be it wasnt meant for me???? Sigh.......