"I do & I do............. without u"

I woke up today feeling refreshed but bloated. Ate a little bit too much, too soon last night at the Renaissance. But it was all good.......good choice of food, good company, good door gift, too much laughter. Well what can I say.......I'm a good hostess. Ha!Ha!Ha! Happy to note that everyone was enjoying themselves and it was good to catch up with friends. Irwan, you da best!

I clearly enjoyed being the center of attention. For some reason I always excel at that when I'm in the mood. I could be charming and entertaining when I want to. That's the operative word. The problem is I'm so busy feeling pathetically sorry for myself that I forgot no one's gonna make me feel happy except myself.

So when someone came over to share with me the rising statistics of break-ups in the country (yes.........that same person who filed for divorce earlier!! and the one who ultimately thought that I'm a raving lunatic to be chasing after marriage), I cant believe how I pull myself together and just smiled to whatever she was babbling about.

Plato once said that "Wise people talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something". I know few wise men and I'm also associated with some 'fools'......... What does that make me? semi wisefool?

If so, this wisefool just gonna be positive and hopefully my knight is just around the corner ;)

There are some things that take center stage in everyone's life. For me, particularly this Ramadhan its all about doing things in moderation, giving and helping others. Be it in the form of humbleness, love, empathy, advise, listening, care, work or even money if i can afford it.

For someone who is easily angered or upset, I'm proud to say that I've managed to control myself for the last few days. Someone used to say that my communication style is - "I shoot from the hip and speak from the heart, but sometimes the person I'm talking to may use logic the way a surgeon uses a scalpel. I can avoid a battle of wills if we both understand each other's communication styles". Hopefully this whole month would see me smiling and cheerful, Insya Allah...... :)

P/s Someone's buying me dinner at Renaissance Hotel. Yummy .........

OF MARRIAGE & DIVORCE

It was giddy to finally be able to talk to 'Mumbai'. 3 weeks ago all communications seems restricted due to obvious reasons. I didnt realize how much I missed it until a familiar voice came online again :) Last night's sleep was a slumber.......................

Coming back down to earth, this morning greeted me with two things. Both of my friends have 'big' news. One of the last girls I know who's single is getting married. While we were both congratulating her the other lady's eyes slowly started to tear up. Alarmed we both find out that she's filed for divorce the day before. Losing thunder to the earlier good news we tried consoling her. It was of no use.

All said and done, I thot to myself.......yes to be married is wonderful and I've been searching for "Mr. Right-Now" forever. I was even envious of the former for leaving me as the only single gal in the office now still searching like mad !! But now, I'm not so sure. Many times throughout my adult life I've wondered what is it about LOVE that is so great it could define you as a person? I have never taken it for granted. To me love and esp. marriage is not a fairlytale. It takes hardwork, dedication + compromise to make a marriage work or to be happy.

But listening to her rant and rave abt what went wrong, I wonder....can there be a good divorce?If a relationship does/doesnt work, it takes two to make it a success or failure. Having had 3 relationships and still looking - I take full responsibility of what went wrong on my part. I've had no regrets as I've given it my best. Yes, I was heartbroken but it doesnt seem to fade my dream of being married one day [and I do hope its sooner than later].

So despite the heartache and psychobabble that was threwn my way esp. by those who are bitter with the whole she-bang..........I'm still in my path wanting to be married. I want to go through all of it and hopefully I'll come out not just feeling old but wiser too :(

P/s Spoken like a true love-less-stricken-naivete-girl of 33

RAMADHAN AL-MUBARAK

Its the first day of fasting. Its already 3/4 of the way on and I'm taking things slightly ez. Looking forward to the whole month. I'm sure the best has yet to come. I'm not really sure what is it abt this whole month that would make me feel so calm that everything else seem trivial. Even the heartache of my 'sunshine' is leaving for Dublin seem bearable now. Its all abt doing things in moderation and for me its a personal battle throughout to do what's right.

SECRET ADMIRER

The weekend's approaching. As much as I look forward to it a certain melancholy seeps thru the heart. My 'sunshine' is off again. This time further away. There are few ppl that comes in my life and brings such joy that sometimes I just feel like keeping them in my pocket. Change is inevitable esp. when an opportunity of a lifetime presented itself on a silver platter. I could just kick myself right now as I'm the one who spurs his enthusiasm in the first place. I'm so happy for him when he told me his VISA is approved........and yet I feel a great sense of loss at the same time.

The saying goes.... "If you love someone, set them free"....... Laughable for me, it has always been a one sided affair- he was never caught nor stayed. But he's still my sunshine forever and after.

p/S [London seems feasible for 2007 now]

YUPPIE vs. KASIM SELAMAT

I am not a morning person.
I need stimulants before I can function like a human.
Stop that thot.......u pervert!! It simply means a nice cup of coffee.

But today, I was late.
So rather than hanging around the canteen for a full relaxing meal (breakfast is the most important meal, right?), I decided to check out the new 'happening' cafe downstairs.
Couple of customers were in line but I can wait. Suddenly..........

"Espresso, tall please
One cappucino, tall, non fat
One latte, short, low fat, no foam.
One vanilla latte, tall, extra non-fat cream, to go".

Moment of truth......"May I help u miss?"
Not to be called ma'am cleared my head for a bit BUT whatever happens to

One black or One wt cream, etc.

Turns out I need to update myself on a basic rule;
Come to a yuppie's establishment, be a yuppie.
No point standing there blinking like an idiot as if you're in a different planet.

Finally, after a considerable amount of carefully feel-good thot
( + raised eyebrows from the cashier + clearing of throat from the guy behind me)..........

"ONE TALL CAPPY EXTRA MILK TO GO, PLS"

Now that's what I called a real drink.

WHEN CHANCE COMES KNOCKING

I was told that I'm always ez to talk to and a good listener. A stranger would find as if he's known me for ages when in my presence. Accommodating is another attraction of mine. BUT......I get my hairs up when I see Mr. T (short for trouble) swaying my way.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to talk to a living freak, I seize the moment when a chance encounter put me face-to-face with an acquaintance who has a strange but awesome way of engaging conversation. After calling his bluff of playing 'victim' in situations which he claimed is beyond his control, he turned out to be a really interesting guy when the invincible walls crumbled.

So why do we build barriers and put up a front? Does that make us more susceptible? Or are we that gullible in our skin that we become pretentious? The horrible truth for me is that I feel I live in a community that borders on the surface. Touch n go...........superficial. So what does that make me?

P/s Just like the pot calling the kettle black..........

GOD WILL HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES

If still water runs deep then I'm a well.

Have u ever wondered why some people have all the luck in the world and yet unhappy? Or does luck by itself sufficient to take you through life in this day and age? For a hardcore realist, I scrutinize my own being by rationalizing logic. Not that I need confirmation written in rocks nor can I leave everything else to HIS will.

Someone told me that Karma works. Ever the pessimist, I've always put that aside and have a volatile reaction whenever that word is thrown at me. For some reason, I will always find a reasonable explanation as a solace. When going through hardship, I will ensure all my energy are focused on way forward but when I'm given the slightest opportunity at happiness, all I could think of is when the axe is gonna fall again. Is it a symptom of a breakdown or plain madness?

Watching Oprah doesnt look that bad now................ :(

LOST & FOUND

An old and dear friend from Chennai pops into my life after a long separation. We slowly drifted and just lost contact. It was wonderful bumping into him and my surprise was priceless. Recalling back on the good times we had, I admit that I've never met a more gentleman in my life and he gave me hope on all mankind. I'm not really sure why we went our separate ways but one thing's for sure, I trust him. I havent used that word in a long time and a smile came on automatically.

What is it about new-found friend who are not really platonic but yet nothing ever happens in the first place? Personally I've never believed that a heterosexual man & woman can be 'just friends'. The underlying tension will always be there but being a perfect gentleman, he was exactly that and nothing more.

I've always been lucky whereby a new person will come into my life when I most need them without even knowing it. My only jinx is that when I least expect it, they will slowly move on. Does that mean my luck is well balanced? Which ever way it goes, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.......

BITTERSWEET WEEKEND

Ahh.....what an interesting weekend it was. Friday was full of fun (football again - Chelsea rocks!! against Liverpool/ MU lost to Arsenal), Saturday was hectic with family obligations and Sunday......lets just say it was a day of revelations.

It seems like for the past two years, all my weekends was the same like above. Friday night was mine, Saturday's time was for my family and Sunday is quoted 'open' for anything or anyone who for some reason will ensure my time is taken up for their cause.

Something triggered in me and last Sunday I found myself sitting at a park by my lonesome self and trying to pull my wits together for the coming week. I cant remember the last time I was selfish and had time to myself just for me. I was always doing things for others from the office, to home, to friends, etc. As I sat there, I've got to admit.....I'd lost myself in the process. And I felt tired......of everything. Why did I let myself go like that? In my race to please everyone, have I lost something that's precious to me? Why the need to be appreciated consumed me?

Just short of going bonkers, I pull myself up and saw a 'mentally challenged' man on a wheelchair selling odd souvenirs and other knick-knacks. I stopped short and realized how silly and pathetically sorry I felt for myself when I should be thankful to HIM for everthing I've got going for me; be it the ups or downs - its just life's path. As I walk away, I kept thinking.........is this the calling for me in life? Or will my time come later? I thought again..........and the cycle continues with another 100 things I need to do before the end of today for others........GO FIGURE.

LOVE OF A GAME

The UEFA Championships kicked off recently. Few matches down and I only managed to catch up last night [Lyon vs Real Madrid]. Mama-mia.......what a show!! Lyon really kicked Real's X>@#$*............Game's over even before half time. With all the hoo-hah about Real esp. on Beckham, V. Nisterooy, Canavarro, etc. I was hoping for them to win and gave a good show. I was rooting for them in the beginning [that shows what kind of fan I am.........:)] but when I saw how Lyon's team took them on I didnt even realize I was shouting at the top of my lungs for the other team. I know....short loyalty but it took me with a daze. Sweaty, dark men with determined eyes and bulky legs, I forgot all about the Real men who pales in comparison and look exactly like what they are - a bunch of tired old men trying to keep up. Never have I ever enjoyed a game like that without even realizing that I was only being pretentious about watching it in the first place. Phew......at the end, Lyon scored 2-0. And the team with the high intensity of publicity went down like a sore loser. As for me....lost a bit of voice this morning and still contemplating on why men can stop touching themselves every minute........and that was a 90-minutes game. You do the math ;)

WHEN 'BZ' TURNS TO EXCUSE

How many times have you uttered the word, "I'm busy........ let's catch up sometime"? And how many times have u caught up with the person you casually tossed the word to? Or are u still running around with something that never ends? I suppose it will never hit you until you're given the run-around by those same words. Why is it so hard to just tell the truth but so ez to tell a white-lie (or so your conscience tell u to) And by the time you realize the need to socialize again or to finally get in ctc with selfless agenda [is there one by the way :)] you'd notice how damning it is. I'm still trying to stop myself everytime the same words touched the tip of my tongue and sheepishly admits that I'll try to make time when I have the chance [or is that semantics :(( ] YIKES !!

SOULMATE

A colleague came over and was devastated that she lost her soulmate to cancer. As she poured out her grievances, I cant help but feel for her. Losing my best friend 5 years ago, I know exactly what she's going through. How do u say goodbye to your 'everything'? The one thing that makes sense in your life?In a way, she was lucky that she had found a soulmate and got a chance to experience what many looks for but was never able to find. But then again, is it better not to have known the greatness of a soulmate or to know one and lose him?

The Curse of Being over 30 and Still Single

What is it about being 'over the hill' at 33 and still single and looking for love? The problem is besides slim pickings, all married men think they are the solution to our problems and all we need is TLC and in return they think they are doing us a favour by propositioning us. Doesnt matter whether we feel its needed, they all feel we should just lap up all the attention and be thankful that they're GOD's gift to single and lonely women. And dont even get me started on friends who are already married .... they just want everyone around them to be married as well!! And those who are already in relationships just want us to double date with them by snatching someone off the street........... :(