I'll Be Alright

(X-Mas kad yg ditunggu-tunggu, Chocs dari U.S. - boss & friend)

Have you ever felt that you've had a deja-vu of something good is about to happen but you just cant put your fingers to it? Well I think I just had that thought the moment I open my eyes this morning. It felt good and gave a bounce to my walk today.

Funny how a small change in your mind can make your whole day seem so much brighter, eh.

My mom at our recent vacation, hanging out.
The view from the balcony

My sis moved to a new home

Dah bersawang dah blog ni tak update. Dah hujung-hujung tahun ni macam dah tak de idea nak bercerita. Tak lah cam blog teddy bear yang amat full and so funny! I know, this is such a lame excuse for an update tapi gambar2 ni semua dah 2 bulan tersimpan dalam phone.

Ntah kenapa cam malas je nak menulis. Dah lama tak online and dah lama tak de mood tapi kena rajin2 kan tangan juga sebab teruja ngan blog Teddy Bear yang senantiasa cantik tu. Wah2 seronok je dia ber'snow' di Brussels. Cam sama ngan Leo agak nya.

Tak pe lah, kat sini memanjang hujan and at the same time sun shining. I suppose I should be glad of that.

Later,

Done

I need to learn to be distant. Stop feeling and be practical about a lot of stuff. Forget and move on. Its not worth it.

WHY

Why is it so difficult to believe any sweet words thrown in your path at face value?

Why is it so hard to comprehend the simplest joy when someone says he cares for you?

Why is it so complicated to digest a kind word, a loving gesture or a compliment?

Why is it so puny to accept the one and only thing you have been wishing for?

Why is it so tiresome to handle any kindness deliberately sent your way?

Why is this entry so full of uncertainty and all you want to do is go away and hide!!

Going with the Flow

They say when you are ready to love, be prepared to be hurt and when you're hurt you have the tendency to hurt someone else back. Although not everyone's the same, most of us do the exact same thing unconsciously. Love is such a powerful emotions, only few lucky ones are able to fully experience it and understand it.

So what happens when you get hurt and yet you still feel the same way. Do we stumble along, hurting the ones we love along the way or do we fight for the so-called love and hope we are loved in return? If this is confusing, so is the journey to right the wrong of emotions. Or is there such a thing?

I suppose the best way is to keep on loving, hoping for the best and when you're hurt learn how to forgive however painful it is. They also say if you cant forget that means you cant forgive. Kind of true.........to each their own.

I suppose when you keep looking in the wrong directions you'll end up getting hurt. There's a price to pay in the game of love. The basic drawback of the word 'game' would suffice anyone who's been hurt once twice shy, however when the feelings of being in love feels so damn good its not surprising that even the most experienced ones tend to fall back to the same black hole time and time again.

The price I had to pay???? Well................. a huge sum for my own good.

Confused.............Mind and Soul

Loneliness plays a dirty trick on the mind that leads to unforgiveful actions. These actions sadly calls for accountability. On the other hand, ego and pride feed superficial needs. Having said that there's an unexplainable satisfaction, greed and lust entertwined.

So does that make me a bitch? Ruled by no one's paradigm, own carefree rules or should I say lack of them? 18th October mark another milestone by which will forever etch itself in my brain and so much more.

I dont want to be a bad person. Lately, I want a lot of things that I made myself restraint from it so much that when it broke loose, my inhibitians shot out the window. I took whatever came my way without any care where it will lead to. I dont want to think too much into anything that was thrown in my path. I went beyond all of my own rules and perhaps when I call it a 'rule' is when I feel I should take all means to ruin it even though I'm not sure whether its good or not for me.

I thought my head would explode from everythg that I had to endure. I have to be honest; even if its just to myself. I'm just tired. Tired of thinking too much, tired of worrying, tired of 'what if(s)', tired of letting others walk all over me and mostly tired of putting others' interests before mine.

I just want to feel the tiniest bit of happiness if there is such a thing even for a molecule of a second. I just want to be pampered, I just want to feel, I just want it all without having to reason with anyone and explaining myself and justifying why and what and when and how and IF.

ME...........it should all be about me and for once I want to be selfish about it.

Lagi Tentang Lagu

I' m not sure why nowadays I tend to hear more songs and just so happen all these songs seems to be reaching out to me and what I'm feeling. I heard the song "Change by Sugarbabes". Snippets .............

Ain't it funny how you think you're gonna be OK till you remember things ain't never gonna be the same again.....Ain't it crazy how you think you've got your whole life planned just to find that it was never ever in your hand.

Change.....You don't see it coming..............Change....When the future comes knocking....It changed.................It can make you or break you too and you'd just have to make it through.

How apt the wordings and how timely.

Waiting in Vain

Kelip-kelip ku sangka api Kalau api mana puntung nya Hilang ghaib ku sangka Mati Kalau mati mana kubur nya Such a significant rhyme that caught my attention in the beginning of this beautiful and sad song called 'Seribu Tahun'. I've loved this song ever since I heard Leo sang it couple of months back but I've never heard the beginning of it. Personally, I dont have the patience nor the will to do what the singer is crooning in the name of love. As much as I wish I could feel the type of love he's experiencing till he's faithfully willing to wait a thousand years and more for the one he treasures, I think if the same were to be bestowed upon me I wouldn't know how to embrace it. I talk and analyze the matter to death and I've been wanting it for so many years that I've been skeptical and in some ways sabotaging the one and only thing that's the essence and core of my being. So I take the strength and the persistence of this song to enable me to believe in love again.

EID-UL MUBARAK

1st October, Malaysian muslims celebrated Eid. The whole day has been bittersweet for me. The uplifting and memorable occasion is when my younger sister came home on Eid morning and the 5 of us sat down for our family meal soon after. Daddy was at home for a short while before we took him back to the hospital for his further treatment. The next couple of days, the cycle seem inevitable to be around the house and the hospital with visitors that came to and from the house in a steady stream. It was tiring, exhausting and chaotic to say the least. Its coming to the 4th of October as I'm writing this and I have yet to have a proper decent sleep thinking and hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Full Sunday

I'm literally and utterly full! Woof.....Iftar at Parkroyal wt Lyn and her sis. That was a good outing. Thanks Lyn.......looking forward to the next time we go binging after Eid.

Well, that's to say the least of my full, full, full day. This morning I baked few cakes and tons of muffins and now I dont know what to do with them. Eid is still few days away and definitely these goodies need to be consumed before that. What started out as trying half a batch of recipe turned out so good that I decided to try the whole lot!

Went out to pay fitrah in the afternoon and ended up spending an hour trying to maneuver the throngs of people in my community town and thats just the place I live in. Grrrr........i can imagine how bad the city centre must be like today. Urgh! Thank God we decided not to go anywhere.

Spring cleaning early in the evening and when you're dead hungry and tired of exhaustion by 2pm is not a pretty sight. Anyway, I'm glad that was done and as I'm winding down from a full day just as I had prescribed.

Just looking forward to Leo's arrival and the next 2 days of working before I can totally relax and laze around during Eid.

Laid Back Saturday

Somehow the things that I planned to do today didnt actually happen but the good thing is I got my hair done, I tried my hands on some recipes; (biscuits and cakes) and I spend the whole day quietly by myself.

I'm not sure which one I enjoyed more but at this point I think I have to learn to enjoy my own company rather than fret on things that are not going to materialize.

P/s My sore toe is still hurting.

Lagi....tentang Bulan dan Bintang

I went down to the clinic today to get my dressing done. 'Toe' is throbbing like mad and refuse to calm down. Since I'm fasting there's no chance that I can take the antibiotic or the painkillers that this cute Doctor had prescribed yesterday.

Well there I went reluctantly........dreading the pain involved. I almost peed yesterday when the Doctor gingerly touched 'Toe'. May be he was being careful in case my leg involuntarily made itself forward and kick him!! Hahahahh.........Anyway, cute Doctor was there waiting and was grinning from ear to ear when he saw my pinched face that greeted him. He knew how I would whine and tried to grip my teeth together and perhaps in his sick mind he likes seeing his patients in pain. Maybe this is how he gets his kick.

So there I was on the examination room and he gave me the inevitable news.........he has to make an incision on the sides of to ensure the in-grown will not damage the rest of my toe. OH GOD........the next half hour was the most excruciating pain i've ever had to endure. I was screaming my heads off and crying like a baby. Time2 macam ni dah tak kesah malu dah. Fuiyoooooo kali ni memang satu langit boleh nampak ........tinggi ke rendah. Ya Allah......masa dah habis tu both Doctor and me dua-dua terkelu. Sengih je lah.........kan.

Oh well, hopefully lepas ni jangan lah ada perkara yang tidak diingini berlaku lagi. Sampai sekarang ibu jari masih berdenyut.........

Toe

Have you ever heard of love songs crooning "Have you ever been in love that you reach for the stars and the moon........."

Adoiiiii.........I definitely see stars this morning when I tried to take a shower on one leg and trying not to wet my dressed up toe that was hurting from yesterday. How is it so possible that one small toe could hurt so bad that your entire being is counting on your alertness to careful attention. Every single time I bend or my toe accidentally touched the sides of anything tangible, I yelped. (Ni baru kata nampak bulan dan bintang). It takes a few good minutes for my vision to clear and wiping away tears that keep coming out every time this happen, I would limp and take a long deep breath to calm myself.

As I'm limping away trying to walk, do my prayers and taking extra precaution to ensure where my footing goes for every step, I realized how helpless you can be when you're down and totally incapable of the simplest things like putting one foot in front of the other without wincing.

I wish I can just lean on someone and get some tender loving care,

All is Good again.........

The sun hasnt risen and the cold breeze hits me in the face when I opened the front door to gaze at the stars. Havent done that lately.....and didnt notice how serene life is at night in its stillness.

I've just finished writing a draft on a paper that I'm trying my hands on. A full hour of sketching and playing with words, another hour outlining the points and the inevitable thing happen! I dropped a knife that I was using twirling in my hand. (eerr......the knife was used to cut an apple earlier........i'm not suicidle).......hehehehehe!!

And now I'm just pissed off because I'm in so much pain, the throbbing is giving me a headache all day and I cant seem to bend or walk properly.

Sigh........just the kind of week I'd was hoping not to have. Me and my clumsiness.

Quiet Weekend

Last weekend was one of the rare occasion when I actually was running around like mad trying to do something for myself.

It started off with me going groceries and ensuring I have all the ingredients of making the perfect cookies for Eid. Of all the years, my mom decided to throw out her old recipes out the window just before Ramadhan when she did her kitchen spring cleaning. Since its always up to me to come up with the menu and especially treats for Eid, there I go scrambling to try out new recipes that has not been tried out before. But then again, how hard can chocolate chip, butterscotch and custard cookies be, eh?

Needless to say, I also had to check out few hair-do styles for I have decided to do a new style of my long crop of a hair which is quite beautiful as it is already (masuk bakul angkut sendiri nih). Tapi kalau dah cantik tak kan nak kata buruk kan? heheehhheeh..........

Anyway, needless to say I was like a kid in a candy store when I was doing groceries and the heat of Eid is starting to rub itself on me and I'm sure both the cookies/menu and the new hair-do will do justice where it counts.

The Dark Knight

Friday night saw me scrambling all over Midvalley.

Very, very interesting day that I had. The ending was like a cold splash to the face but nonetheless what happened in between was bizarre, out of this world and shocking even to me. Anyway, after Iftar at this new Indian restaurant at the Gardens (which is nothing to shout about), I went to the theatre and tried to see The Dark Knight.

The good thing about the whole day was that I look extremely good, I smell even better and I felt wonderful about myself. I enjoyed the evening tremendously and tried to make the most of all that happened and lapped up the attention however corny it was.

I wish I could be more eloquent in detailing the whole night out but it was kinda like fairy-tale met Arnold Schwarzenegger with a BadBoy ending. How do you live that one down?

Sigh...........all in all I've learned a valuable lesson on Friday night.

Grey Hair, Anyone?

Patience really is a virtue to be admired......................Too bad I have a thin stretch of it especially when I needed it most this month!

Out of nowhere, me minding my own business.........come this colleague of mine screaming. I thought someone died by the way she was screeching. Apparently she found out ONE grey hair popping from her crown jewel!!!! Bloody ONE, not ten, not half a head like the rest of us. The nerve!

Next thing I know, she was on and on ranting and raving about how life is unfair to bestow such a thing to her. And how she's no longer beautiful because of that ONE miserable grey hair. For god sake's woman..........get real! Other people are worrying when their next paycheck is going to be or when their next meal is coming from.

Ah.........what a day!

Getting Jiggy With It..........

As I'm winding down from the hustle of my day, I realized how lethargic I felt in the last couple of weeks. Could that be the reason why the restless feelings cropped up? Nah....it goes beyond that but I'm sure coupled with everything that has been going on I've been down just thinking too much on the inevitable.

Right after Iftar, I sat down in front of the PC and tried to write but my mind was a blank. When I grew bored, I turned on the stereo and there it was.........Will Smith blaring his hip hop songs and the next thing I know.........I was moving and shaking my bum-bum to the rhythm and one thing led to another.........it was a full 30 minutes later that I stopped dancing.

Phew! It felt great. I missed dancing and the euphoria felt in the few minutes made a small smile break and I know things will be alright. Tomorrow will be a new day with a promise of something exciting only if I believe in it.....and I will.

Simply tired.

Seriously I havent a clue what has gotten into me lately. I mean the Ramadhan has been great, in fact its one of the best I've had in years. I have been able to observe the last 2 weeks in perfect harmony with what I'm supposed to be embrace.

I think when your mind is taken on an overdrive, your whole being gets sucked in. And there's nothing more painful and tiring than when you are feeling a void deep inside you of loneliness and despair. I'm spiraling into one of my moods again and I'm helpless to help myself come out of it......at least for now.

I will be ok soon and I hope I wont be so far off that digging myself out of it will take more effort than necessary. Hopefully with the greatness of this month, help will come my way and I will be OK again. I have to be.........for the sake of sanity.

No Title

Jules sent me this and the timing was just right and sums up the whole of my week.......

_____________________________________________________________

There may be days when u get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be. That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down. But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in youself. There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them.

Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are. So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be. Because the challenges and changes will only help you find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep Believing in Yourself.

Raya Gifts

Its already the 11th day of Ramadhan and its the time to think of Raya gifts and ensure the list is complete so that no one is left out. Here comes the headache........

This is also the year, the family decides that we should go to all the relatives house from Tanjung Malim right up to Penang. This is going to be one long trip up north.

Anyway, here comes the tricky part. I've basically sorted out the 'must-buy gifts' and another pile of 'emergency-gifts'. But looking at the agenda..........I've gotta be prepared for 'bundle-gifts' as well. Nanti Mak Bedah, Makcik Joyah dan Pakcik Mat merajuk lah pulak................

So where do you draw the line at giving one relative a gift and another one who is not close to you who is at the same house? I dont know the Auntie Jenab (quote from my mom "She's the daughter of your late grandfather's second wife's niece........bla..bla..bla..) and I sure dont even recall Uncle Muhamad (quoted "He's the uncle that came to this house who claims to be my adopted brother's nephew's son.......bla..bla..bla.). That is not to mention the hoodlums of kids all of they have got going for them!!!!

Oh well, I'll probably end up broke this month but look at the bright side..........Everyone will be having a fabulous and a fantastic Eid.

P/s Names used have been changed for confidentiality purposes. Hahahahha!!!!!

Sober up!

Hai.........bulan ramadhan ni bermacam-macam peristiwa terjadi. For starters, I havent been able to get enough shut eye and in the last few days none at all. Oh Well.....let the brain work overtime once or twice kan? Asyik perut je yang work overtime, dia pun fed-up. Hahahaha....

Anyway, after so many hours and no brain rest will make u hallucinate a lot of things. And ultimately I was bound to do something embarrassing....so typical of me! Pinggan pecah, jalan tergelincir, cakap marapu..............my scatter-brain is so sluggish that my mom said I even talk nonsense.

Bila dah mengelamun memanjang ni lah akibatnya. So it was my usual morning, sahur and get ready, few sms, and I'm off to catch the train to work. Shaking off my lethargic state of mind, I settled into the coach and wait for the 45-min trip to the office. Must be my lucky day as I got a seat today.....what a relief!!

Next stop a very, very, very big lady with a protruding stomach got in and stood right smack in my face. Without thinking, I offered her my seat (still not learning from past experiences). She was so insulted and started making faces at me while shaking her head from left to right. I thot, kenapa kakak ni.......mentally challenged ke? And I kept ushering her to my seat.

Last-last dia kata "IT's OK, I'm not PREGNANT!!!!"

Aiseh.........malu gue. Pejam lah mata 45-min ride tu. Heheheheeheheh......................

Big, Bold and Beautiful

I've always believed that confidence is sexy. Confidence is the only thing that separates the 'it' and the 'wanna-be-s'. So what if I dont have both? Neither confident much less sexy? How do I compensate my being? What am I so happy for if I dont have that main core essence?

I suppose the best is I accept the things by which fate binds me............I love the people with whom I come in contact with and I do this sincerely..........at least to the best of my ability and for sure my secret of finding deep fulfillment lies in serving others.

Turning a New Leaf

The last couple of days has its ups and down to say the least.

A small bird whispered that something's in the air.....and that I should be watchful for any surprise coming my way. True enough from Saturday I have been giddy by a welcomed attention lavished upon me. I guess I must be doing something good to be given this opportunity to have some shred of happiness in the universe.

A beginning of something beautiful? I sure hope so and I wish all will be well. Smile............

Romance Anyone?

"Its amazing how u knock me off my feet........Everytime u come around me I get weak. AAAwwwwwwwww......is that romanctic?"

Romantic taik kucing! This mamat........let me call him MAMAT. He is so vain and so full of himself in addition to being a klutz! Knocked me right off my feet, for sure because he tend to come and talk to you so close and when u turn around you would just run over him. He's never heard of this thing called 'personal space' where u dont stand too near of the opposite sex for fear of being called gatal!

And the part where I get weak? Well memang sah lemah satu badan bila tau he's around. EEEEeeeeeeeee Geli Siut! He would leer and look at my boobs if he has all day. I constantly have to remind him, "....my face is up here....." What the @#%*...........

Moral of the story is............knock someone before u get knocked and never ever get weak around a man u have no intention of sleeping with!

When Bored, Watch Korean Series.......

I have fallen deeply, madly, consistently in love with the new Korean channel on my cable. It started off as passing through and flicking through the channels during the time when I came back early after office hours without any plans or anything interesting to watch on the tele.

Surprisingly, I stopped at this new channel because I saw it was on an epic series on how a mom was upset with their children and how she felt empty after her children are all grown up and have started families on their own. And I'm a sucker for such things. Is there all there is to life? So what am I whining about here?

After that, another new drama series was on. It told of a coming-of-age story in this day and age. Anyway, what made me stuck like glue to the tele was the mixture of modernisation of how the story was portrayed mixed with old-age-tradition of respect for the elders, living life the right way and the values of life. It was a combination of all that I wanted to watch I suppose, from the acting to the beautiful scenery and the sacred of family's belonging.

I'm hooked !

Sex and The City

Finally! I saw the movie......I've had the CD for some time but everytime I have the chance to view, I seem to procrastinate. I'm not really sure why I did that until I saw it.

The movie has a happy ending in the most practical way. The storyline is as typical as the TV series. Nothing to shout about. The costumes, now that is another matter. Its too lavish that only movie stars will wear them. No surprise there. Even the sex scenes were 'normal'.

Coming back to me, I have to admit I didnt want to see a happy ending movie because I'm bleeding love as it is. I can wish all I can to have my own happy ending but I know its beyond my reach.........at least for now.

Sigh........I'll just have to be calm and accept how things are for now.

...not sure what to title this...........

The funny thing about expectations is that it creeps up on you when u least expect it. Again........expectations. Why do we do this to ourselves? Maybe its because we think we are holy-er than thou?

Without realizing it, we tend to be annoyed or irritated when someone doesn't conform to our way or think the way we do or give back as much as we're giving? What made us even think that our way is the right way? God forbid if anyone should say this to our face. We'd probably be screaming our heads off. Obviously, we will never admit this narcissism of ourselves.

Its harder to chew the hard-truth and as mere-mortals we tend to portray the 'correct and acceptable ways' when deep down we could or may not be that. But that's life. People, friends, experiences molds us to what we are today. We go through it unintentionally picking up on things we may not even be aware of.

I'm not sure how to end this...............hurts to think too much on it.

Some Things u Just Cant Escape......

I went to 2 weddings last weekend.
One was easy enough, I was a guest. My colleague's daughter who is 10 years younger than me got married. Which [for a woman who'd like to bear children], is the best time to be married.



So there I was in my 'kurung' all dolled up looking so decent and feeling miserable. The heat and the million dollar question, the "When are U getting married when you're already 35"!!!! proved to be too much ....................I survived obviously since I'm writing this up.

Anyway, for the 2nd wedding they needed my help. Since I'm not good at anything creative, I thought I could just do the 'bunga rampai', one kind of potpourri if you may. Which by the way, any 5 year old could've done. But because of the sheer volume that's needed, I thought I'd pitched in. I can very well say after shredding the particular leaf called 'daun pandan' which smells heavenly, I now know how to make something so bland into a sweet smelling condiments for a wedding. I must say the mixture of rose water and vanilla cream makes such a profound effect for the nostril and keeps the leaf looking bright days after the event.

Once that was done, there was still so many more things to do and without an organizer for the whole event, everyone just pitched in without anyone having a grip of the whole shenanigans. Without missing a beat, I was put in charge of the 'bunga telor'; another add-ons (boiled eggs) to a malay wedding. That doesn't sound so hard, does it?

Well, its not just putting the egg into its casing. I've gotta boil it first.

Guess what? I need to boil 2000 of them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now, I'm officially the "TELOR CHICKs". Heheheheeheh

Ah.........but the wedding turned out OK, not great, but OK. Everyone went back in one piece and with my back bent and in need of a serious massage, I'm happy I could lend a hand.

Surprisingly to me after going and being in the midst of these weddings, I realized I don't mind one myself. But I'd rather not settle for one. I've put it at the back-burner for some time and now I'm ready to face it. I'm not scared of it anymore. If it comes, great. If it doesn't, I'll wait.

Congratulations Mek and Family.

One of Those Days.

"Harroo" "Harroo" Any want speaking d engrish?"
"Yes.......good morning Sir, *&#$ Berhad..........How may I help you?"
"Yes ahhhh....u speaking d engrish?"

Ya Allah...........another one of those god forsaken foreign callers that hardly speaks the right language and asking me if I speak English. Pagi2 dah naik darah. Lepas tu refuse le pulak nak cakap apa yang dia nak. Selagi aku tak jawab aku tau cakap bahasa yang dia nak, selagi tu dia tanya soalan yang sama! Bukan le aku pekak kan. Tapi bila aku jawab in perfect english, dia yang tak faham.

Yang peliknya kenapa lah operator kat *&#$ Berhad ni pun asyik pass semua segala callers yang complicated ni to my line. Agaknya dia ingat aku ni staff-cum-operator terhormat kat sini kot. Hampeh betul lah.

Itu tak pe lah lagi. The next call lagi dahsyat........

"Yes.......u are somebadi? Sambadi spreak please? Who arrr you? You are from *&#$ Berhad, yes."

Oh God........dia yang panggil. Dia yang tanya. Dia yang jawab............boleh?? Rasa nak pitam sekejap. I've never had a person who asks me a question, then question his one query and in the same breath, answer his question.

What did I do to cause me this much headache and its only 9am!!

That's Life

I was sitting around having coffee at 730am just now, hardly blinking and looking only half human when an old colleague from my previous department came over. Haven't spoken to him in a long while. As we get into the normal routine small talk and the infamous "How are U".........i noticed that he has this far away look. I took notice of this and cautiously asked him if everything is alright. He informed me that his wife passed away about 2 weeks ago and today was his first day at work.

What a bummer! Not the fact that he has lost his 'everything' but of all people I was there. Me.......who don't really know how to be compassionate with others and who's awkward at giving empathy towards them. What do I say?

So I didn't........and I asked him if he'd like to talk so that I could just listen. When he said no.........I sat there anyway and we drank our coffee and at the 11th hour, I gave him a hug. And when he's ready we both went up the stairs to your offices and back to real life.

Stay away........

This is what I had last night. BUT the thing is ..... I don't share dessert......

There have been awkward and embarrassing moments when I had to educate those who are new dining wt me about the DOs and DONTs of scooping my dessert even for a taste!

Its not my fault if you order that non-food called 'salad', picking at the greens then salivate when my dessert comes around. The whole idea of having desserts is for the whole savory experience of complementing a well-relished dish.

Stop coming into my own 'personal space of dessert heaven' by extending your arms over and over and over again and yet saying, "Oooohhhhhh I have to watch my diet". On top of that how dare u ask me whether i have any conscience when you're the one who cannot seem to stop yourself from lugging in my creamy, rich, flavory, warm chocolate with vanilla custard filling !

For god's sake WOMAN...........order your own dessert!!!! I DON'T SHARE DESSERT.......And stop spooning mine!!!!!!

My Sunshine

Last weekend I was busy running around town with my younger Sis before she has to head back to her workplace up north in BM. We ended at Jln T.A.R. that's infested with all throngs of people and managed to get couple of specific things that we needed. To top it off, it was pouring rain in KL that Saturday. On Sunday, we went out again to clear off the list of her things again and back to running in and out of town. That's just the kind of weekend I would normally have wt Jules.

We were resting in the midst of all that and just stopped to have coffee somewhere in Taman Tun when I realized that without her I'd feel lonely. I kinda take it for granted that she would drive me around and being the elder Sis, I do sometimes pressured her to follow my whims and fancies and to be at my beck and call. Each and every time she's back in town, I would act as if she'd be here forever.

We are close and I'm sure would always be closer. I know BM is not that far but when she's not around it feels as if she could be on another continent. I suppose even when she was in KL its just the knowledge of knowing she would always be about 15min away from me gives me the contentment of her presence. And that makes it all OK.

Now, I've got to learn how to be alright being by myself and keeping myself occupied without having her by my side. I know I'm just being whiny and I'll get out of this sombre mood soon. Its just another phase of growing up and life!

Aha!

I watched some re-runs of Oprah last night and as usual there will be something that she says throughout the show that will make sense and is captured by my run-away mind at some point.

"Every person that comes into our lives at a particular time is because of a reason"
"That person can be considered as a Teacher and we're the Student or vice-versa"
"A Teacher will only appear when the Student is ready"
.........that was my "A-ha" moment..............

I'M SORRY.....and Happy Birthday

Dedicated to that person whom I'am apologizing to. Does it look like tis sorry?

_________________________________________________________________

I do make such a big hassle when someone forgets my birthday and I have no excuses for it.
Somehow the thought just flew off my mind and InshaAllah I will get you what you want when I see you next. I'm sure you have had a lovely time last Monday and I wish you would hurry on home so that I could tebus segala dosaku!!!!

Haunting Revelations

3 days ago
I feel ok, balanced and everything's gonna be alright.
4 days ago
Still wondering, contemplating.......let me sleep on it.
5 days ago

At a moment when I'm going through a myriad of emotions I came across this marvelous person that I had only known for a couple of days. Do I call him Stranger? I feel that not all the information passed to me is the truth or even the right one but it certainly is the right ones AT THIS MOMENT to be given to me.

Despite the fiction of it all, I was happy that I was able to help. But if I’m really truthful to myself I should say that he did me a favour and all that I did was actually a selfish act on my end. I needed confirmation in the worst possible way and that is BEING NEEDED.
I’ve never felt better as when I know I made a difference, or when I make someone happy or if I am wanted. I haven’t felt that in a long time and truth be told, the boost given to me is all about me.

Yes, I have always been a giver and yes at times I felt so constricted by what I put myself into, I tend to re-act badly. I feel I deserve more when in fact I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but myself. In the end, I should really take a deep look at what I need and what I should let go.

I felt free.
I felt beautiful.
I felt important.
I felt liberated!

And it’s all due to a Stranger that I came into contact whom I have no idea where he’s been, what he’s about and why he’s the way he is. He sounds like a caring person although he may have his own demons and may be more skeletons in the closet than me.

Whatever the real situation is, I don’t need to find out. But I am thankful for dropping by into my life for a split second and making me think, feel and act the way I want for a change.

Do I still call him a Stranger?

Yes, I suppose I will. I don’t expect him to understand my babbling as one person’s canvas is another painter’s carefree will to paint. But I thank him and I do wish him all the best and may he’s blessed for if he can make one lonely woman feel half as what I felt tonight, he should have all the break he deserves.

Fatty Crab.....again

LYN was recently promoted and wanted to celebrate. We had deferred this so many times due to EL's hectic schedule and finally after much delay I decided enough is enough and lets just get out of the stuffy office. Since LYN was very much crappy after two weeks on the job, I decided what better way then to take both of them to FATTY CRAB. Hehehehe......Feeling crappy go to Fatty Crab!


**BTW, both this pic was copied from google as I didnt get a chance to snap it before all 3 of us gulped down this beautiful tasty morsels.**


So there we were sucking on the delicious sweet and sour crab, accompanied by the beautifully fried rice with shrimps, oblivious to our surroundings. We laughed, talked, made fun of each other and I couldnt help but see all the other around us and I dont see much of what I am experiencing at that moment.

This is the good life, good times, good company and I'm so appreciative to be able to have all this and am content to just savour the moment and wishing it will continue for much much longer.

The Ones that I Cherish

LEO sent me a forwarded mail I suppose, marked [World Best Friends Week] and it read something like this.........

"We met by chance and turned into friends
and now our destiny keeps us close to each other"
"Making our Friendship grow more with the passing time, U are Friend of a Lifetime"



I can never say good things enough about LEO. Even with all his paranoia (about himself, I may add) his meticulous strive for excellence, exceptional self-worth, caring ways with his other friends.....not to mention how he can make anyone laugh out loud in their most down time....... I am always grateful for his never-ending style of making others feel good about themselves. And that is a trait worth hanging on to.

And to all my other close buddies who have been there and put up with me through my ultasonic, short-circuit and indescribable mood swings. Thanks guys. You know who you are.

I'm JINX-ed

I'm not sure why but day has been teetering on getting from bad to worse to the unbelievable today.

It began last night when I left the office. Got on the train at about 745pm and as usual if its late, there's plenty of seats. After a hard day's work, I just plonked myself in the seat and closed my eyes for the 45-min ride. As we got halfway, the train stopped and couple more people got on and there was on only one seat left. One of them was this blind person. Trying to be nice, I offered my seat. He scorned me by saying "Hey, i'm not an invalid" Poohh....i was semi-embarrassed but not that bad. I said, "That's OK". Next station he was off and as he walked past me, his cane tapped my foot and he turned around and said, "Hey! Are u blind?" I was ready to just snap my tongue but held it. Patience was never my attribute but that borders on just mean.

Further on, a deaf/mute couple got in. I sat there without saying anything because I thought they're young surely they can stand. Suddenly the guy look at me and was flailing his arms and saying something to me obviously with his facial expression going from incredulous to almost murderous! Oh my god, What did I do??? Surprisingly fast, they got off the train with the girl showing me her index finger! The nerve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was reeling down from all these mishaps, I got to the last station and there was no cab in sight. Had to call for a ride back home and got a lip-service from my sis. Geeeez............

This morning, came in late, sloshed coffee all over my pant-suit, my computer suddenly went blank and I cant view my calender and everything on it. My phone decided to give me a dead-tone and my boss is cranky.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teppanyaki

Ah......the delicious teppanyaki. Look at all those vege. Although I'm a meat lover, that combination of stir-fry vege and lots and lots of fried garlic plus their special blend of pepper and rock salt would salivate anyone.




I brought a 'teppanyaki-skeptic' to dinner with me and he doesnt eat anything that he thinks is "weird". Anyway, my first order of salmon teppanyaki was so salty that I pushed it aside and ordered myself a second of beef teppanyaki. While waiting, this big fella gingerly tasted the leftover food for he hates to waste food.

In the end he finished up both my salmon and beef teppanyaki because the chef decided to be overly generous with the salt.

I was still burning angry by the time we left and end up with a limp burger on the way back home while he cleaned his tooth and complimenting on this new discovery of food that he love. MMMMppppppphsshhhhhh!!!!

Apology

The most bizarre thing happened to me last night.

Someone from my past came over for a visit and started to apologize to me for all the wrongdoings he had done and ask for forgiveness.

As I sat there blinking and acted stupid for a couple of minutes, my mind raced to find what actually went wrong. I was so dumbstruck for so long that for awhile this person thought I've gone mad.

The irony was that I didnt even know we had any misunderstandings all these years although I did wonder why the friendship was cut short.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didnt realize my own mistakes, I have always had the assumption that I didnt go out there taking my friends for granted but I've been an open book without the intention to hurt anyone.

I ended up apologizing as well as I didnt realize I had hurt the person by being aloof, careless and unintentionally let go of something that would've made me very happy now.


I doubt any of you reading this would understand my babbling............

What's in the Past....should stay in the Past.

I'm not sure why but when I think back of my old-flames - good and funny memories comes first and foremost. I think thats quite a good outlook for my life, eh? I've had my share of hurting, badly I must say. However, the first thing that pops into my brain when I think of them are the good times and all the horrible BUT fun things we did together as a couple.

Obviously the reason I'm writing about this is because one of them called the other day and I was civil enough and wanted to know how I was doing. Well I can be honest here..........he wanted to pursue me back again BUT with all kinds regulations because he's been hurt. (Did I mention he was the one who dumped me to marry another?)

With a smile on my face, I was calm when I said thanks but no thanks. But if he need a friend, he has my number.

A day of Cooking

I SUCK at cooking!!!!

Yesterday was my day in the kitchen. Right after work......... I jumped right in. And immediately the headache accompanied as well. Suffice to say, my whole family also thinks the day I'm supposed to cook is their nightmare as well. (Mainly coz I will force them to eat my hideous tasting cooking). Somehow even after years of this torture my mum still insists that I cook. She thinks she'll be able to 'correct' this deform of mine by being persistent.

I love nasi campur so my menu was kerang masak lemak, ikan asam pedas, bayam goreng and telur asin. Rich and yet so satisfying.........Surprisingly it turned out well, I didnt burn the kitchen down, minor accident with the knife AND my rice turned out perfect! Fabulous -:))

Why is it So Difficult to Remain Casual Friends with the Opposite Sex

I have a generous number of friends.

Platonically, I've always been closer to my female counterparts. I have only 1 good buddy who is of the masculine sex and its truly fully platonic with no sexual connotation whatsoever. I must admit, its easier to be close to men than it is with women. I'm not sure why or is it just me .


Male friends are also easier maintained. But I must say, it will always lead down the same way......however good or close of a friend we are........it will somehow lead to some sort of a sexual nature if only one loses grip.

I dont know, given the option I do prefer to be around my male acquaintance but I cannot handle the sexual tension that naturally comes when expectations and feelings are entertwined.

Unease

I have been having an uneasy feelings for the last couple of days but I just cant quite figure out what it was. My sleep has also been sound - without any dreams, which to me is quite bizarre because my mind and soul wanders and I would normally have dreams. So the combination of those two are not normal for me. I do feel something is about to happen; be it good or bad. I'm just not sure.

Could it be because I miss my sister who moved away from home? Could it be that my non-relationship state is beginning to sit well with me? Could it be that I will have 2 upcoming trips around my country that is supposed to be work-cum-fun? Could it be that my work seems to be on a neutral ground with a marvelous boss around?

I just dont know but the unease continues.......................

Poo-Poo

Aku sakit perut today...........................

Semalam terkinja-kinja melantak
Japanese food. Stuffed with all kinds of
delicacies.......semua segala yang fresh
dan yang tak masak mcm sashimi ni......


The only saviour is Teppanyaki & Tempura.

Dont get me wrong.........I LOVE JAPANESE FOOD!!!!! But after so many Oysters, Escargot, etc.
can you blame my stomach for complaining?



Lepas tu..........sempat plak pi teh tarik.

Sampai pulak rumah, Jeng....Jeng...Jeng....the most wonderful durian is right there on the table!!! Oh my god........how can i NOT sample some? That's pure sin.


TODAY......I've been visiting the toilet for the umpteenth times. Urgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its Hard to Breathe

If I lose consciousness before I can get a chance to tell you how much I care for you, Please remember me in your prayers.

I felt a deep attraction for someone and any way I look at it, its wrong.
I know I cant do anything about it because its forbidden.
So all I'm gonna do is keep my feelings to myself,
And move on...................

SEXY.....anyone?

What would you consider sexy?

A beautiful face?
A curvaceous, hot body?
Lots of money and material based?

....or Fantastic Personality?

Most of us (I think) have evolve throughout time and no longer hold on to everything that E! Channel & beauty magazine sells nowadays.

Most of us have come above all that superficial stereotyping and would like to think that we are beyond that.

Most of us are just human..............

If there is a person who seem to have it all - beauty, intelligence, proportionate body and good genes in addition to a fabulous personality & educated on top of it, wouldnt that be the 'dream woman' for all?

Somehow that doesnt seem to be enough for some men and I take it literally because the 'excitement' is long gone after all the above has been exhausted. So what chance do mortals like us have without all of the above?

Having said all said, I dont know about you all, but for me CONFIDENCE is SEXY !!!

In addition to self-esteem and loving myself and the most beautiful thing about it is that no one can take that away from me -:))

Kick-back & Relax

I was bored and end up at Plaza Damas recently.
End up at Plaza Damas at
the Pancake Hse and damn....the food there is delish!!! Just fabulous. Nice display as what you can see and a new way to enjoy your pancakes.....I would recommend anyone who's into something savoury to pay a visit. Situated at the laid-back Plaza Damas, its a quiet

place. Thoroughly enjoyed myself. Thought of LEO and all the food that he enjoys there -:))............I pun dpt gak! Well, this is the good life that I'm enjoying right now. No complains........
so far. Hahahaha.

Something to Think About

Yesterday I read an article about self-revelations after deciding on a wrong choice. One of the sentence in the closing struck me as something which each and everyone of us should reflect on. It said...... "I never regret but I take it as lesson learned".

How many of us could really say that and mean it? Wouldnt it be less stressful if everytime we made bad choices we could take a moment, admit our own fault and move on. Breathe and be more conscience of our actions so that we dont go through the same wrong path.

Instead, sometimes when we realized we're in deep shit, we like to over-analyse the matter to death and still come up with excuses to blame everyone and everything around us.

Having said that, I'm still in the process of loving myself enough to know when to stop, take a moment, be concious of my surrounding and the choices I made and be accountable for it.

Trip to Penang - Part III

Isnt's she cute? Sepanjang masa di Penang asyik membuta!! Ni lah intan payung my parents that will finally fly away from home to work up north. All of us have mixed feelings about it but I thought this is a good time as any for her to really grow up. I love you Jules. Jgn mare......

We checked out the house that was rented

for her by the Company and it looked OK. I thing all of uf got more excited about it than she did! Hehehheeh.........berangan pulak nak tinggal situ. My only concern is the kilang papan sebelah rumah tu which is infested with Banglas and Nepalis. I sure hope she's OK later.

The last pic showed her office locations which left a dry taste in our mouths because its so far off from the main road and looks exactly like what it stands for. Construction...........with all the happenings of stale bread. Ummph!!! Good luck lah Jules.

What can I say eh.........my worry for her will never stop wherever she is in the world, I think. Its time to let go...................

Trip to Penang - Part II

The second day, we were still cruising around at Penang Island when I come across this mamak roti and I chased him for more than 2 minutes because I was salivating for the only type of bread that can only be found at these type of vendor. I'm sure I gave the mamak a heart-stopper for looking like a lunatic then. But......u havent tried the bread/butter/kaya, so dont comment!

The following pic is my mom enjoying bawal goreng yang ter-best in the world!!

Air botol ni lah yang dicari-cari, baru berjumpa........mcm jejak kasih -:))

Tengok lah betapa panas terik nya, tetapi oleh sebab si-bawal tu paksa juga diri duduk amongst the
kelapa sawit plantation. Btw, that's my sis

(which I will tell a story in Part III) and my dad at the back, wiping their perspiration.

Mee-rebus is another must of mine

to have........siap ngan sotong lagi tu. Tapi yang mahal tu.........kuku pun siap posing. Hahahaha...........

Having had all that, we retired for the day and was so relieved when no one had constipation with the amount food we gorged!

Trip Back to Penang - Part I

I should have updated this abt 10days ago but been tied up......as usual. BUT, I promise you this time you will feast your eyes with a colourful pics and stories. YAY!!! Cukup2 lah cerita sedih buat tahun ni kan.

I made the trip up north on Labour Day, 1st May to take advantage of the long hols. On the way tu teringat lah pulak citer Leo abt the best pau on the northern part and stopped at T.Malim. Memang giler sedap!!! Pau kacang dia to die for. I can attest to that and confirm. One-third into the journey, we reached Teluk Intan and on the spur-of-the-moment, I asked Dad to swing and stop by. I paid my respect's to Noormi. Doubt it helps but its for me.

The trip was worth-it and full of mishaps and revelations but it was good for the whole family. We checked into Gurney Resort and this is how the view looks like from the window. Awesome, eh? BTW, if I had the money, I would buy the house just next to it and spend time by the beach all day!

Having said all that we made ourselves buzy and going around town and spending time with the family has never been more wonderful. With all the fabulous food around, I'm surprised by how much we enjoyed ourselves. But then again, Penang has always been the greastest get-away place for me.