Reflections

A very dear of friend of mine called and touched base with me out of the blue. The fact that he never kept in touch sent warning bells in the beginning. Surprised was an understatement. He gloated for awhile when we went our separate ways more than 5 years ago. Now, with 3 kids and a divorce on the way he suddenly thought of me and appreciated what a nice person I am.

Corny but TRUE! People come and go in my life (esp. the signifacant ones). Somehow I always bump into them when they're down on their luck. While they've gone and continued their life, mine's still as it is. To them, it looks as if its status quo. The corny part was when they assume that my arms would stretch wide open in welcome just because i'm such a 'nice' person.

I relish my past and I use the tools for my future. I've learned from mistakes which I vow not to do again (if I can help it). I would never turn a friend in need but would u blame a girl for being cautious? I trust everyone unless and if I have a reason not to. And this one particularly has many reasons for me NOT to. Nonetheless, my ears are open to receive him in kind, in the name of Friends.

Happy Holidays

Hi guys........The holidays has started for some right before X-Mas and perhaps most will be on long holidays to clear their leaves or simply just to relax.

As for a single gal like me, its natural to still be hanging around the office because (1) since everybody else is on leave, somebody has to be on standby; (2) taken for granted that we will be in town as we hardly have plans; and (3) we are the only ones who would/could cancel anything we had at a moment's notice.

Having said that, I am prepared. My birthday's around the corner.....may be I should look forward to that instead :)

The only thing that lifted my spirits today was an overseas call that came from someone I'm missing currently.

I live and work in the capital city of a major town........it should give any single adult a run for their money being around the hustle and bustle. Instead I feel alone, lonely and empty. Sigh....I need a change of scenery and I'm due for a vacation. Its almost the end of the year and my birthday's coming up. Perhaps its the thought of yet another year that's catching up and still no one to call my own :(

CLOSURE, not!

Saying goodbye is never easy esp. a good friend.

As I'm writing and watching the time, Leo's boarding the plane.

To a new place, a new life, new friends, new beginning.
While I'm here hurting.

It has been a rollercoaster and I dont take well to losing my 'rock'.
I'm just lost in my own emotions that even the Friday match (MU vs Benfica)
doesnt seem to lift my spirits.
I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

FAREWELL LEO

If a picture could paint a thousand tales, I would put up a blank canvas now.

Leo, there were so many things I wanted to say but I just clam up. Didnt know how to act or react. It has been a good 10 years since I first met u and now its time for you to move on. Bon Voyage.......

p/s Who's gonna make me laugh now :((

One never needs their humor as much as when they argue with a fool.

How do u really mend a broken heart?
Time will heal? Take a vacation? Go shopping?
Lifestyle change? Pick up a hobby? Find a new mate?

So many choices but not even one stand up to what you want really want to do.
Crawl in deeper in bed and wish that everything was a nightmare.

Or the least, (initially) do all kinds of activities and self-healing process to forget the pain
(I call it closure)

The worst part is, even after you've done all of the above,
the hollow sinking feeling of emptiness still lingers and the hurt actually felt real in your chest!!! I kid u not........... Its bad enough that your moral support group think that once you've had your 'closure', you could move on and perk up as natural as the sun rises..........

Yes, I definitely know that picking up the pieces is a lengthy process that no one can actually help u with. Nonetheless, surrounding yourself with the right energy makes it easier to move on. The world doesnt moves around one particular person and things do happen for a reason.

So this is how I can sum up................
Count your blessings and when you're wiser,
you have better control of the choices you make in the future.

P/s Still didnt make it feel any less painful :((

FRIEND......LOST & FOUND

Leo, if you're reading this.........I'd like to say that I'm proud of you.

Yada......yada......yada...I'm sure your confidence is nothing short than the highway to heaven but felt i needed to write abt it nonetheless. For sure, I'm gonna miss the company and esp. the laughter but not the whining :) Jgn mare.......

Anyway, another one bites the dust.......Oh well.......

BIG, BOLD & BEAUTIFUL

Ever heard of the Egyptian Proverb that says "A Beautiful Thing is Never Perfect" ?

I weigh approximately 100kg. While far from being beautiful, I wouldn't stop traffic either :D
So is the above saying merely a consolation?

Even in my wildest imagination, I never wished to be seen as someone who's beautiful. Yeah, I've heard of the saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', 'beauty is skindeep', 'internal beauty', etc.

Oh! come onnnnnn...... who really digs that crap, eh? Call me vain but I believe before anyone could actually see anyone's beauty, the package has got to be right. I'm not just talking about physical looks (although for most its the first thing that attracts any human alive to actually seek to know the beauty inside of another person) but the core essence of someone.

Stereotypes have always seen that if you're beautiful, life is really at the palm of your hands. However for mere mortals with lesser 'value-adds' its general knowledge that everything's a struggle, Unless you're born in the right family with proper education and with the right connections.

Beautiful is subjective to everyone.
Like what Mae West said, "It is better to be looked over than overlooked........"

I believe somehow, GOD is fair in more ways than one.

AM I WORTHY?

I woke up early this morning and Oprah was on. Topic of the day was "Are U Worthy".

If the answer is YES, then you should be living life to the max. Sadly I think that for most, (esp. those who were abused at a young age - in any form) our lack of confidence and self worth is so beat-up that the answer is NO. If so, she posed a question to her audience at the end of her show - "Who am I". She said that once you understand who you are and what's your purpose in life, only then you can start the process of self healing because the thought of not being worth enough didnt come overnight. Its a gradual process. I pondered abt that show....

At times, I'm a semi-chameleon. I'm opinionated. However most of the times I would change my behaviour to suit the situation in addition to always being accommodative if its not contradicting to my core beliefs.

I feel that when we were born, we are whole. Then life begins (family, friends, work, etc.) and it chips away at you. Maybe for some, life comes on a silver platter. But for me, I've long accepted that my life is hard and a struggle. I've made bad choices, very bad indeed and I keep trying to make sense of it. I dont blame anyone else or have regrets because I made those choices. That is why personally, I am quite selective now about who I surround myself with and hope as I grow, I get wiser. God willing, I will strive.

If you've read my blog before, the following heading that I've posted clarified my heart-core with regards to this topic :-
1. "Soulmate" - posted on 12th Sept 06
2. "Bittersweet Weekend" - posted on 16th Sept 06
3. "What is Happiness" - posted on 3rd Oct 06

What is Right?

Is there any specific right way to chat?

Besides family, close friends, colleagues or someone you've been chatting with for years...........what is the norm that conform to the right way? What is a right way anyway? Talking to a stranger is hard enough other than mere facts that you could read from their profile, if any. No research has shown that a man is a better chatter than the next woman or vice versa. And other than few taboo subjects that are sure to rile some chatters, we would normally rationalize with common sense knolwedge.

There are lots of chatters out there who are merely bored and just wants to chat, nothing more. There are some who's looking for something and there are some who's online for a specific agenda. Other than sticking to conversations on the weather, food and other lame stuff, what are the barriers that we're supposed to follow? In short, there is no definite guidelines for chatters. To top it off, humans comes with all kinds of characteristics; sensitivie, direct, open, old-fashioned, etc....

Is trial and error still in fashion? I suppose that's one good way to ascertain certain individuals. Perhaps, another is to bite the bait when the other person throws you a topic and go on from there. Daringly you could become the arse-hole, throw caution to the wind and be damned if the other person likes talking to u or not and proceed with your agenda.

Nothing beats chatting with someone who's funny and able to carry a discussion that you're passionate about too. But what are the odds of that? More times than not, you'd come across someone who's not even able to hold a decent conversation to begin with and you cannot bring yourself to be rude or polite (however u see it) to cut it off short. Giving the benefit of the doubt, you keep on hoping for something more/better.

Having said all that, I'm not even sure I am such a 'hot chatter' myself or a boring candidate !!!

DIFFERENT STROKES

I guess u can never fully understand another person's life until you've lived it yourself.

There's no amount of information that you can read about, listen to or even heard of that suffice you to think you know what the person is going through. So how do we know what to do or how to be a friend to someone in need? I suppose we can try to imagine after years of knowledge gathering. However, the sentiment will never be the same as we are not the one who goes through the motion. At times when we try to emphatize and show compassion, we end up hurting the other party rather than helping.

At best and since all else failed, what I did was to listen, be there when needed and keep an open mind hoping the simplest gesture would bring some sense of relief.

Where's the Romance?

Romantic is subjective..............I'm sure u guys out there will be the first one to agree ::))

Check out my recent conversation with a colleague of mine ......

Me : Why is it that women go 'goo-goo gaa-gaa' when they receive a bouquet of flowers while seconds ago swearing men off.
Aaron :Coz flowers are beautiful and the one we think of at the top of our head in exchange of the words 'SORRY' that will fall on women's deaf ears anyway.
Me : Now why would any men send flowers instead of plants? Plants are alive and will continue to grow while flowers will wilt and die once u cut them. So why send flowers to women when u know its short-lived?
Aaron : May be coz men have short-term goals !!

Toink! Toink! Toink! Call me a sexist pig Ladies and Gs.......

The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side??

In a society full of over-zealous and over-bearing humans, I sometimes pine for what might've been and what-if-s that my outlook in life at times becomes so distorted. Until..... a knock .....and I do mean 'knocked' literally.

Come Monday, I always find myself going in 10 diffent directions doing 10 different stuff all in one go. It doesnt necessarily make me a wonder-woman who's able to multi-task. Its just a show-down that I'm disorganized.

So as I was scurrying - yet to plan for item no 11 this morning (and its only 930am), I ran into a cubicle and was knocked down, spilling my first coffee of the day (that is supposed to make me appear human enough) in front of Mr-Smarty-Pants !!!! Urgh.......what I wouldnt give for the office floor to open up and just swallow me in. Instead of making me feel like a loony-toon after that little acrobatic show (definitely a 'Kodak Moment'), Mr-Smarty-Pants actually went out of his way to make sure I was OK.

Aaawwww..........chivalry's still in fashion.

Do I still need to say more?

CHANGE

You are never fully dressed until u wear a smile.
If that's so, I think I've been naked all these while ;)

I remembered someone said something similar to me a long time ago.......There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humour every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. Find opportunity in change and No Regrets.

I'm presuming I could be one of those people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!

I know there is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. Growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional. Life is full of drama as it is. A smile helps only so much. Having said that, I feel a change is in order for me and perhaps long overdue.

DITTO

You can never stay mad at someone who makes u laugh. You can however, be stubborn enough to prolong the other person's agony by refusing to cooperate with him at every possible turn. Why do we do that sometimes? Is it because the pain refuse to go away? Is it because we're too proud of a person? Or simply because the longer it is, the better making up will be?

If we're truly honest with ourselves, nothing is unforgiveable. Unless we're just being difficult with self-proclaimed guilt in the first place. Sometimes it doesnt have to make sense. Does that makes the person egoistic or just plain obstinence?

Looking further, I guess for me I'm just plain tired of games that people play and with a heavy workload, I cannot afford to dwelve too deep for fear of disappointing myself over and over again. The choice is mine, I suppose.

P/s Forgiving, forgiveness or forgotten?

EID-UL MUBARAK

Its the time of the year again to plan for EID, which is just around the corner. This year, I'd be spending 2 days at my relatives place, north of country before I leave for Germany. As it will be a big, huge and may turn out to be a humongous event, proper planning is necessary. Or else my pocket will be thinner than expected by the second day.

I suppose like each year, its all about spending good time with family members. That means food, laughter, food, laughter, food, laughter, food, food, food, etc. I cant wait to meet everyone esp. my aunt and uncles. I must say the feeling's mutual for them too. I'm so glad that I will be the center of attention again.

I've always been the glue of the family. I'm the provider, the joker, the listener, the one that would come up with activities, the do-er, etc. Its imperative for me that everyone has a good time, be jolly and no hard-feelings after all's done.

I'd feel tired I'm sure of it but it would've serve the purpose of being around the people u love.
And that would've made the fast for the whole month, all the more sweet.

P/s Be sure to check out if the 'story' above changes right after i come back from Eid ;)

JANE DOE

New research shows that our sense of smell can lift our sprits, make us feel sexy and even help us lose weight.

As if needing any excuse for another night out of feasting, there I was breaking fast with yet another array of temptations. After stuffing myself with my favourite dish - raw oysters, I was told that its an aphrodisiac.........as if I'm gonna get laid anytime soon :(

I dont get it, why is it that when a woman does what makes her feel good somehow society would tramp on it but if Tom/Dick/Harry were to swallow anything that walks with a skirt, "They're THE Man". Call me a sexist pig and I'd flatter your ears with @#%*&.

All that aside, me and my oysters tucked firmly in my belly had hot flushes with ring bells nonetheless ;)

ALONE/LONELY

Anyone who's human will come across feeling alone & lonely at some point in their life. Unless I'm an alien, I believe everyone who has lived and loved deserves to make a fool of themselves at least 100 times. And if that's the case, then I should be given a bonus as I had gone past that number lots of time.

Never one to give up easily, I realize that's part and parcel of my life. Its not as if I could say...."take it or leave it". Still running strong, I suppose I just have to accept that's just the way i'm wired.

P/s Bruce.........thanks for the advise. I'd probably have to chant the mantra,

'pretty young thing' all the time :)

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

3 weddings & perhaps my funeral soon. Am I being mocked? God knows........I attended them all, putting up a grave smile while trying to tai-chi all the persistently anticipated questions the guests would have for me.......Yeah, poor 'ol me.

Back at home, I tried to make sense of it all. Why do I keep berating myself for still being single? Is that all there is to life specifically mine? Am I that desperate for the male companion that I'm willing to throw caution to the wind.......again? Seems to be that way for some time now. As much as I love routines, I'm not sure anymore.

If being with someone would cause me thousands of dollars for a wedding, entertaining those who would come and still doesnt think the function is good enough taste for them, incurring debt which would probably take me years to pay off ending with mortgaging the hse........again, having nightmares of another round of bills to think off and forgetting about my passion of travelling as and when I please (especially when the little one comes automatically without planning),

let me think what the sentense was about again :) :) :)

Listening to most of them who has gone through it and having trouble in the first year itself scares the bejeesus out of me and yet I'm pining for it nonetheless. If that is what will make me feel complete and happy, swap me a sweetheart and sweep the troubles away.

TO 'MUMBAI'........WITH LOVE

My heart breaks again...............

The upheaval of me & Mumbai is just unstoppable !!!!

One time its this or that, its unnerving and just doesnt seem to end..............

We're meeting? We're not?

We're staying? We're not?

We're drinking? We're not?

We're going to? We're not?

So many surprises that we could put shame to the latest breaking news of CNN!!!

I cant think straight anymore. And the shock is.....I still feel for the guy. Unbelievable.

Sucker for anything with beard who walks :(

Is this what u call opposites attract or Fatal Attraction?

I cant tell the difference anymore, I'm so confused.

The friendship has been great. God willing will continue to do so.

One thing I'm clear of is where my direction between him and me is going - NO WHERE...........

P/s When will I ever learn? Nothing good comes out of rotten fruit.

WHAT IS HAPPINESS?

Ever since the very first relationship I had to admit I jumped into it headfirst with both feet.

Fast-forward to my relationships now, and it's the same way. I place myself in relationships much in the same way I was first exposed to them. I like to concentrate on one individual at a time, putting my best effort into helping it flourish, giving my undivided attention to this one friend and expecting them to reciprocate back to me. I'd prefer one on one bonding time, as opposed to a large social gathering (despite the social butterfly that I am) simply because I am so INTENSE.

I am often brought into their world, share their experiences and truly begin to empathically feel for this person. I forget about who I am for the moment, and submerse myself in their universe.

Having said all that, I sometimes feel that when its my time for happiness, I would still seek my partner's 'endorsement' or 'agreement' (if you can call it that) before I decide on anything. I feel the need to explain of why I had to take time for myself. When something good finally comes my way, I had to think of the other person's feelings before mine. How it would impact him....how he would feel. And why it made me feel bad as if I'm guilty.

Does my sense of compromise shortchanges me?

"I do & I do............. without u"

I woke up today feeling refreshed but bloated. Ate a little bit too much, too soon last night at the Renaissance. But it was all good.......good choice of food, good company, good door gift, too much laughter. Well what can I say.......I'm a good hostess. Ha!Ha!Ha! Happy to note that everyone was enjoying themselves and it was good to catch up with friends. Irwan, you da best!

I clearly enjoyed being the center of attention. For some reason I always excel at that when I'm in the mood. I could be charming and entertaining when I want to. That's the operative word. The problem is I'm so busy feeling pathetically sorry for myself that I forgot no one's gonna make me feel happy except myself.

So when someone came over to share with me the rising statistics of break-ups in the country (yes.........that same person who filed for divorce earlier!! and the one who ultimately thought that I'm a raving lunatic to be chasing after marriage), I cant believe how I pull myself together and just smiled to whatever she was babbling about.

Plato once said that "Wise people talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something". I know few wise men and I'm also associated with some 'fools'......... What does that make me? semi wisefool?

If so, this wisefool just gonna be positive and hopefully my knight is just around the corner ;)

There are some things that take center stage in everyone's life. For me, particularly this Ramadhan its all about doing things in moderation, giving and helping others. Be it in the form of humbleness, love, empathy, advise, listening, care, work or even money if i can afford it.

For someone who is easily angered or upset, I'm proud to say that I've managed to control myself for the last few days. Someone used to say that my communication style is - "I shoot from the hip and speak from the heart, but sometimes the person I'm talking to may use logic the way a surgeon uses a scalpel. I can avoid a battle of wills if we both understand each other's communication styles". Hopefully this whole month would see me smiling and cheerful, Insya Allah...... :)

P/s Someone's buying me dinner at Renaissance Hotel. Yummy .........

OF MARRIAGE & DIVORCE

It was giddy to finally be able to talk to 'Mumbai'. 3 weeks ago all communications seems restricted due to obvious reasons. I didnt realize how much I missed it until a familiar voice came online again :) Last night's sleep was a slumber.......................

Coming back down to earth, this morning greeted me with two things. Both of my friends have 'big' news. One of the last girls I know who's single is getting married. While we were both congratulating her the other lady's eyes slowly started to tear up. Alarmed we both find out that she's filed for divorce the day before. Losing thunder to the earlier good news we tried consoling her. It was of no use.

All said and done, I thot to myself.......yes to be married is wonderful and I've been searching for "Mr. Right-Now" forever. I was even envious of the former for leaving me as the only single gal in the office now still searching like mad !! But now, I'm not so sure. Many times throughout my adult life I've wondered what is it about LOVE that is so great it could define you as a person? I have never taken it for granted. To me love and esp. marriage is not a fairlytale. It takes hardwork, dedication + compromise to make a marriage work or to be happy.

But listening to her rant and rave abt what went wrong, I wonder....can there be a good divorce?If a relationship does/doesnt work, it takes two to make it a success or failure. Having had 3 relationships and still looking - I take full responsibility of what went wrong on my part. I've had no regrets as I've given it my best. Yes, I was heartbroken but it doesnt seem to fade my dream of being married one day [and I do hope its sooner than later].

So despite the heartache and psychobabble that was threwn my way esp. by those who are bitter with the whole she-bang..........I'm still in my path wanting to be married. I want to go through all of it and hopefully I'll come out not just feeling old but wiser too :(

P/s Spoken like a true love-less-stricken-naivete-girl of 33

RAMADHAN AL-MUBARAK

Its the first day of fasting. Its already 3/4 of the way on and I'm taking things slightly ez. Looking forward to the whole month. I'm sure the best has yet to come. I'm not really sure what is it abt this whole month that would make me feel so calm that everything else seem trivial. Even the heartache of my 'sunshine' is leaving for Dublin seem bearable now. Its all abt doing things in moderation and for me its a personal battle throughout to do what's right.

SECRET ADMIRER

The weekend's approaching. As much as I look forward to it a certain melancholy seeps thru the heart. My 'sunshine' is off again. This time further away. There are few ppl that comes in my life and brings such joy that sometimes I just feel like keeping them in my pocket. Change is inevitable esp. when an opportunity of a lifetime presented itself on a silver platter. I could just kick myself right now as I'm the one who spurs his enthusiasm in the first place. I'm so happy for him when he told me his VISA is approved........and yet I feel a great sense of loss at the same time.

The saying goes.... "If you love someone, set them free"....... Laughable for me, it has always been a one sided affair- he was never caught nor stayed. But he's still my sunshine forever and after.

p/S [London seems feasible for 2007 now]

YUPPIE vs. KASIM SELAMAT

I am not a morning person.
I need stimulants before I can function like a human.
Stop that thot.......u pervert!! It simply means a nice cup of coffee.

But today, I was late.
So rather than hanging around the canteen for a full relaxing meal (breakfast is the most important meal, right?), I decided to check out the new 'happening' cafe downstairs.
Couple of customers were in line but I can wait. Suddenly..........

"Espresso, tall please
One cappucino, tall, non fat
One latte, short, low fat, no foam.
One vanilla latte, tall, extra non-fat cream, to go".

Moment of truth......"May I help u miss?"
Not to be called ma'am cleared my head for a bit BUT whatever happens to

One black or One wt cream, etc.

Turns out I need to update myself on a basic rule;
Come to a yuppie's establishment, be a yuppie.
No point standing there blinking like an idiot as if you're in a different planet.

Finally, after a considerable amount of carefully feel-good thot
( + raised eyebrows from the cashier + clearing of throat from the guy behind me)..........

"ONE TALL CAPPY EXTRA MILK TO GO, PLS"

Now that's what I called a real drink.

WHEN CHANCE COMES KNOCKING

I was told that I'm always ez to talk to and a good listener. A stranger would find as if he's known me for ages when in my presence. Accommodating is another attraction of mine. BUT......I get my hairs up when I see Mr. T (short for trouble) swaying my way.

Never one to pass up an opportunity to talk to a living freak, I seize the moment when a chance encounter put me face-to-face with an acquaintance who has a strange but awesome way of engaging conversation. After calling his bluff of playing 'victim' in situations which he claimed is beyond his control, he turned out to be a really interesting guy when the invincible walls crumbled.

So why do we build barriers and put up a front? Does that make us more susceptible? Or are we that gullible in our skin that we become pretentious? The horrible truth for me is that I feel I live in a community that borders on the surface. Touch n go...........superficial. So what does that make me?

P/s Just like the pot calling the kettle black..........

GOD WILL HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES

If still water runs deep then I'm a well.

Have u ever wondered why some people have all the luck in the world and yet unhappy? Or does luck by itself sufficient to take you through life in this day and age? For a hardcore realist, I scrutinize my own being by rationalizing logic. Not that I need confirmation written in rocks nor can I leave everything else to HIS will.

Someone told me that Karma works. Ever the pessimist, I've always put that aside and have a volatile reaction whenever that word is thrown at me. For some reason, I will always find a reasonable explanation as a solace. When going through hardship, I will ensure all my energy are focused on way forward but when I'm given the slightest opportunity at happiness, all I could think of is when the axe is gonna fall again. Is it a symptom of a breakdown or plain madness?

Watching Oprah doesnt look that bad now................ :(

LOST & FOUND

An old and dear friend from Chennai pops into my life after a long separation. We slowly drifted and just lost contact. It was wonderful bumping into him and my surprise was priceless. Recalling back on the good times we had, I admit that I've never met a more gentleman in my life and he gave me hope on all mankind. I'm not really sure why we went our separate ways but one thing's for sure, I trust him. I havent used that word in a long time and a smile came on automatically.

What is it about new-found friend who are not really platonic but yet nothing ever happens in the first place? Personally I've never believed that a heterosexual man & woman can be 'just friends'. The underlying tension will always be there but being a perfect gentleman, he was exactly that and nothing more.

I've always been lucky whereby a new person will come into my life when I most need them without even knowing it. My only jinx is that when I least expect it, they will slowly move on. Does that mean my luck is well balanced? Which ever way it goes, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.......

BITTERSWEET WEEKEND

Ahh.....what an interesting weekend it was. Friday was full of fun (football again - Chelsea rocks!! against Liverpool/ MU lost to Arsenal), Saturday was hectic with family obligations and Sunday......lets just say it was a day of revelations.

It seems like for the past two years, all my weekends was the same like above. Friday night was mine, Saturday's time was for my family and Sunday is quoted 'open' for anything or anyone who for some reason will ensure my time is taken up for their cause.

Something triggered in me and last Sunday I found myself sitting at a park by my lonesome self and trying to pull my wits together for the coming week. I cant remember the last time I was selfish and had time to myself just for me. I was always doing things for others from the office, to home, to friends, etc. As I sat there, I've got to admit.....I'd lost myself in the process. And I felt tired......of everything. Why did I let myself go like that? In my race to please everyone, have I lost something that's precious to me? Why the need to be appreciated consumed me?

Just short of going bonkers, I pull myself up and saw a 'mentally challenged' man on a wheelchair selling odd souvenirs and other knick-knacks. I stopped short and realized how silly and pathetically sorry I felt for myself when I should be thankful to HIM for everthing I've got going for me; be it the ups or downs - its just life's path. As I walk away, I kept thinking.........is this the calling for me in life? Or will my time come later? I thought again..........and the cycle continues with another 100 things I need to do before the end of today for others........GO FIGURE.

LOVE OF A GAME

The UEFA Championships kicked off recently. Few matches down and I only managed to catch up last night [Lyon vs Real Madrid]. Mama-mia.......what a show!! Lyon really kicked Real's X>@#$*............Game's over even before half time. With all the hoo-hah about Real esp. on Beckham, V. Nisterooy, Canavarro, etc. I was hoping for them to win and gave a good show. I was rooting for them in the beginning [that shows what kind of fan I am.........:)] but when I saw how Lyon's team took them on I didnt even realize I was shouting at the top of my lungs for the other team. I know....short loyalty but it took me with a daze. Sweaty, dark men with determined eyes and bulky legs, I forgot all about the Real men who pales in comparison and look exactly like what they are - a bunch of tired old men trying to keep up. Never have I ever enjoyed a game like that without even realizing that I was only being pretentious about watching it in the first place. Phew......at the end, Lyon scored 2-0. And the team with the high intensity of publicity went down like a sore loser. As for me....lost a bit of voice this morning and still contemplating on why men can stop touching themselves every minute........and that was a 90-minutes game. You do the math ;)

WHEN 'BZ' TURNS TO EXCUSE

How many times have you uttered the word, "I'm busy........ let's catch up sometime"? And how many times have u caught up with the person you casually tossed the word to? Or are u still running around with something that never ends? I suppose it will never hit you until you're given the run-around by those same words. Why is it so hard to just tell the truth but so ez to tell a white-lie (or so your conscience tell u to) And by the time you realize the need to socialize again or to finally get in ctc with selfless agenda [is there one by the way :)] you'd notice how damning it is. I'm still trying to stop myself everytime the same words touched the tip of my tongue and sheepishly admits that I'll try to make time when I have the chance [or is that semantics :(( ] YIKES !!

SOULMATE

A colleague came over and was devastated that she lost her soulmate to cancer. As she poured out her grievances, I cant help but feel for her. Losing my best friend 5 years ago, I know exactly what she's going through. How do u say goodbye to your 'everything'? The one thing that makes sense in your life?In a way, she was lucky that she had found a soulmate and got a chance to experience what many looks for but was never able to find. But then again, is it better not to have known the greatness of a soulmate or to know one and lose him?

The Curse of Being over 30 and Still Single

What is it about being 'over the hill' at 33 and still single and looking for love? The problem is besides slim pickings, all married men think they are the solution to our problems and all we need is TLC and in return they think they are doing us a favour by propositioning us. Doesnt matter whether we feel its needed, they all feel we should just lap up all the attention and be thankful that they're GOD's gift to single and lonely women. And dont even get me started on friends who are already married .... they just want everyone around them to be married as well!! And those who are already in relationships just want us to double date with them by snatching someone off the street........... :(